Drip Drip Drip

I hate that I want to do this again :/

But I probably am going to get back into the swing of self harm I have been mostly free from this for almost 2 years. I mean I haven’t gone more than a year without slipping, nor even come close. This year I tried lying to myself and pretend that the last time I cut was last December and I was close to a year, but I couldn’t even make it past this December, digging into my arms a few days before this year started. Honestly though my skin was licked by a blade before that in like August or something so really it was only about half a year.

I can’t even make it a year, I don’t do this on a schedule anymore, nor do I really count any time that happened in the last 2 years as it didn’t really leave a scar that is comparable to the ones I’ve already had, but I don’t feel better. Technically my life is a bit better but I’m less happy, even with a friend that I care about a lot. A friend that I care enough about that the thought of dying now makes me sad and I don’t want to die, I picture how they would react to finding out that I was dead, and it bothers me a lot. I know they would be sad about it, I know it would hurt them. I don’t want them to be hurt, I’m currently trying to convince myself to push them away, I don’t deserve friends anyway, and I doubt I’m going to die by hands that don’t belong to me. If I push them away I can’t hurt them. And I do notice them becoming more of a failure since they’ve met me, they used to be a bit more successful, but now that they know me they are becoming slightly more like me, more like a failure. I’m ruining their life and I know it.

Also other friend that I know casually had feedback about how I speak and such, and it just proves that I am a horrible person who shouldn’t have friends.

I am probably going to tear into my flesh tonight, and watch the blood drip down my arms once again. Feel the warm viscous liquid ooze over my arms and onto my hands, it’s relaxing to bleed. I miss it.

In other news I spoke to a broker, I invested a large amount of money and stated that I do not have plans to touch it for 11-15 years….. I put in about 60% of my total worth, my worth is higher than it should be. I hate life, why am I lucky? Fuck me. Having long term plans feels strange, do I even plan to be alive 10 years from now, well more than 10 years from now? No, no not really, but it’s what makes the most sense to do, so that’s what I did…. I guess it does make me not look like a suicidal loser. And I do set my father as the beneficiary on Monday, I just need his information to be able to do so…. I am setting this up quickly, because well yeah…. :/ I guess really it’s his money and not mine honestly, I haven’t earned any of it, just inherited it after a person died. A stupid piece of shit that deserved to die far sooner than he did. Fuck him. And now I guess I’m growing it for my father although honestly I doubt he’ll be alive in 10 years. So maybe I should find another person :/ At least I’m using this money better than the first owner did, they were too afraid to invest aggressively. They were cowardly pieces of shit, that only taught me how to hate myself.

I just don’t know how to feel. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t tell him anything, I don’t feel like anything I feel is valid and I don’t want to share any of those feelings.

And here’s a classic style of ramble from me. How’s you doing? If you’re reading this for some reason that is :p I do hope that you’re doing better than I am, but of course this is SP so that’s probably not the case. 🙁