Febuary 4th, 2018 wasnt my last day on earth after all.

two days ago, i attemped to take my life. If you remember, i made a post on it a few hours prior. so, heres how that day went and where i am now.

That day i had waken up around 9pm. By 10 i had my mind made up. I ate breakfast, watched TV for a little while. After a couple hours, i began to secure the rope (i had previously bought it) to my ceiling fan, then i tied a hangmans knot that would so just fine.

I chose a chair and placed it underneath, standing on it with the rope around my neck. My adrenaline pumping like haywire, i can feel my hands shaking. I step down.

Not now. I want to live one full last day.

I went out with some friends, all of them unaware of my plans for that evening. I blow my money on buying them drinks and food and clothes, convincing them that i was just feeling generous that day. We went out for dinner, and i honestly had a pretty good time. But of course that wasnt going to make me change my mind. My friends gave me a ride home, and just as i hoped they wouldn’t do, they wanted to say over for a little bit.

i didnt let them in my room.

at 10pm, they all left.

I sat my room for a long amount of time, sitting on my bed, staring at the rope. At 11:32pm, i write an appropriate note to my family, my friends, everyone..about why i left. About why im dead. At 11:45pm, i stood up on the chair, wrapping the rope back around my neck just as i had before.

My whole body is trembling, my mind is racing, contemplating everything. I curl my toes over the back of the chair, and i kick it forward.

the chair falls, i hear it clunk on the floor. The rope tightens around my neck. This was a pain like i had never felt before. Im telling you, if you decide to ever take your life, (which i hope you dont) i would not suggest hanging. my throat was closing up and i could feel it, i could also feel the redness in my face.

I heard a snap. The ceiling fan, it gave out on me.

I fall to the floor, fan and rope next to me. By body aches, my head is pounding. My throat and chest are experiencing the worst pain i had ever felt in my life, its excruciating.
Im now in the hospital. Im beeing treated for external and internal injuries, one thing i left out is my overdose i added to my hanging.

im going to be sent to a rehabilitation center for mental health in the next couple of weeks.

i think im going to be okay. I fully understand that this, it was part of my healing. This is how i take my first steps towards recovery. Its not going to be linear. But ill be okay. I hope. I am loved, i am needed. And i will make it through this horrid life of mental illness and abuse from my own brain.

I will post on here as much as i can, as much as im allowed. In the mean time, thank you for reading my story.

~Alex.