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Febuary 4th, 2018 wasnt my last day on earth after all.

by Elysianvinyl

two days ago, i attemped to take my life. If you remember, i made a post on it a few hours prior. so, heres how that day went and where i am now.

That day i had waken up around 9pm. By 10 i had my mind made up. I ate breakfast, watched TV for a little while. After a couple hours, i began to secure the rope (i had previously bought it) to my ceiling fan, then i tied a hangmans knot that would so just fine.

I chose a chair and placed it underneath, standing on it with the rope around my neck. My adrenaline pumping like haywire, i can feel my hands shaking. I step down.

Not now. I want to live one full last day.

I went out with some friends, all of them unaware of my plans for that evening. I blow my money on buying them drinks and food and clothes, convincing them that i was just feeling generous that day. We went out for dinner, and i honestly had a pretty good time. But of course that wasnt going to make me change my mind. My friends gave me a ride home, and just as i hoped they wouldn’t do, they wanted to say over for a little bit.

i didnt let them in my room.

at 10pm, they all left.

I sat my room for a long amount of time, sitting on my bed, staring at the rope. At 11:32pm, i write an appropriate note to my family, my friends, everyone..about why i left. About why im dead. At 11:45pm, i stood up on the chair, wrapping the rope back around my neck just as i had before.

My whole body is trembling, my mind is racing, contemplating everything. I curl my toes over the back of the chair, and i kick it forward.

the chair falls, i hear it clunk on the floor. The rope tightens around my neck. This was a pain like i had never felt before. Im telling you, if you decide to ever take your life, (which i hope you dont) i would not suggest hanging. my throat was closing up and i could feel it, i could also feel the redness in my face.

I heard a snap. The ceiling fan, it gave out on me.

I fall to the floor, fan and rope next to me. By body aches, my head is pounding. My throat and chest are experiencing the worst pain i had ever felt in my life, its excruciating.
Im now in the hospital. Im beeing treated for external and internal injuries, one thing i left out is my overdose i added to my hanging.

im going to be sent to a rehabilitation center for mental health in the next couple of weeks.

i think im going to be okay. I fully understand that this, it was part of my healing. This is how i take my first steps towards recovery. Its not going to be linear. But ill be okay. I hope. I am loved, i am needed. And i will make it through this horrid life of mental illness and abuse from my own brain.

I will post on here as much as i can, as much as im allowed. In the mean time, thank you for reading my story.

~Alex.

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12 comments

vieve 2/6/2018 - 11:14 am

Hey, it’s so good to hear from you. I know I don’t really know you, but I read your last post and I was thinking about you (worrying tbh). I’m so glad you’re feeling hopeful now. Wishing you nothing but the best.

Todamnbad 2/6/2018 - 12:23 pm

I’m so sorry you acted on your suicidal thoughts, maybe the ceiling fan breaking is a sign you’re meant to be here and you have a purpose to serve? I’d just think it couldn’t support my weight. And i only can imagine the pain of surviving. I hope you find happiness, not in terms of death. Yes the world is cruel and and I have my reasons for wanting to die. I hope you get the help you need. Psych Wards did nothing for me even though it felt like vacation. Take care of yourself. Peace:D

Taf Taf 2/6/2018 - 12:33 pm

I can relate to what you wrote.I tried to hang myself twice.At least now you have help and you can overcome your problems.I wish you the best.

miszion 2/6/2018 - 5:09 pm

I am so relieved to see your post. I sincerely believe that this is the first step towards recovery, as you said yourself. It’s wonderful to see your hopefulness for the future despite what got you into this particular situation. I wish you the best. <3

a1957 2/6/2018 - 8:46 pm

I get that it was part of your healing. I get that.

Word of caution: go easy on the psychotropic meds when they offer them. I can guarantee you they will. Happy endings with those things are rare.

liz_zie_gla 2/7/2018 - 12:18 am

I’m glad you’re still alive.

Jean-bean102 2/7/2018 - 1:28 am

I cried. I dont cry after reading that often. I am glad the fan broke… Thank you for sharing. I was about do this a while ago.

clipped-wings 2/7/2018 - 12:15 pm

Alex, I’m glad that things didn’t go as planned. My hope for you is a long life full of love and light.

ratlovinggirl 2/9/2018 - 11:03 am

glad you’re still here, I was really worried, hang in there?

PhotographyIsMyLife 2/9/2018 - 12:19 pm

Bless that fan! Glad to hear you’re still here.

DepressedFilipina 2/11/2018 - 6:48 am

I hope you’ll recover soon!

hated_tedah 2/14/2018 - 6:15 pm

what ever works for you man you wanna live good for you but some of us really wanna go i hope you recover but i plan on going with discretion I am a failure but i will not be a failure at this

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