I just told my roommate that I’ve had a good evening, even though I spent an hour thinking about killing myself, and another hour angry and crying because I realized that my plan wasn’t going to work. I believe that lying is wrong, but I lie like that all the time lately. I believe that it’s right to apologize when I lie to people and try to be honest, but I know that I won’t fix this lie. And I know I’ll do it the next time she asks too. I feel like a liar every time someone asks me how I’m doing and I say “ok” or “good” (To be clear, there are people that know what I’m going through. It’s only the overwhelming majority who get to hear my casual lies every day).
Can we start a movement for a polite exchange that doesn’t require hurting people to lie? Suggestions below! I’m only half joking.
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How are you?
I’ve been better.
I’m not sure.
You don’t want to know.
I don’t know.
I’d be lying if I said fine.
Better (or worse) than yesterday.
Or you can pretend you don’t speak the language.
Your roommate could probably tell you were crying. Don’t beat yourself up for being a liar. Saying you’re okay when you’re not is more of a conditioned response than an outright lie.
I know that feeling all too well… At a certain point, I open up but all I get is… “I know how you feel, I’ve been there.” Perhaps they do, but I’m not sure if that makes me feel better; I’m not you, perhaps I won’t make it through, at least in the same way. The right words are so hard to come by, but I suppose we really have to depend on ourselves, as fragile as we may be, for the right words.