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Suicidal family member

by Urm8451n

This post is what SP means with family effect and suicide related. This isn’t a happy ending nor a crisis, but beware of triggers.

 

When I was a young boy, I remember my mother going up the stairs, half dead, she was barely walking, her new bf helped her.  She was getting treated with chemotherapy and other cancer related drugs.  She was dying, it was an intensive fight.  She was alone, and my father divorced her.  Her family was so abusive and ugly that they didn’t even help.  I was about five and didn’t understand why my mom is falling to the ground.  I saw her fight over her own life.  Later she won the cancer thanks to a new hitech treatment.

 

Going forward about a decade and half, at 18, my mom locked the house, I was outside, she took all the pills she found and tried to kill herself.   I lost all faith in reality.  I broke down.   I wanted to help her, but I didn’t have the solutions for her and my problems.    I was fucking broke.

 

the following couple of years was a fight ovee surviving.  She barley worked, she took a lot of anti depression medications and tried to re gain her strength.   I recruited to her help, and went to work at minimum wage as much as I can to get money for the house.  I did the shopping,  I took care of the house.  I went with her outside, she was afraid to go out alone, she suffered from ptsd.

It was so fucked up,  I quickly started talking to myself and ended friendships.   I was a dull dead person again.

 

I’m ending this post here, can’t fucking talk about it more. It’s too hard.

 

Always remember that there is a way out.  Fight. Don’t give up. Don’t look on others.  Don’t drown.  Fucking fight!!!

All those feelings are worthless, live and be brave.

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6 comments

Once 2/20/2018 - 8:32 pm

That’s a lot to have dealt with at that age. “Things” aren’t supposed to work out that way. I can’t imagine the pressure and anxiety you experienced.

Urm8451n 2/20/2018 - 8:36 pm

I would really appreciate if you would mention some of those things and how did it end? Perhaps, if you can enlighten me with experience, I can get further at this fight.
Looking toward your comment

Once 2/20/2018 - 9:03 pm

By “things”, I just mean life as a child/teen. I don’t have any experience in something like this. There was a brief period in my teen years in which I watched one of my sister’s attempt to solve problems for my severely depressed mother, and I remember feeling overwhelmed at what I saw my sister trying to do. It felt so wrong, that at the age of sixteen, she was trying to be the mother of our house, and like you, it affected her, as she also suffered with depression and anxiety. She wasn’t necessarily ready for what she was trying to do, but she did what she could. I was a little punk, only concerned with me and my fun, and if the responsibility of being an adult had fallen upon me, I would have failed, miserably. I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of advice.

Urm8451n 2/21/2018 - 5:57 am

How did it turn out to be?
I’m actually the younger brother of two. I’m the one who is and was carrying over the burden on his shoulders. It has been a rough 3 years, the first 2 was so dark I barely felt human. Today, I’m studying engineering and finishing my second semester or so. There has been a lot of progression, and the light in the end of the cave, is perhaps far, but at least it is noticeable.

There are less breakdowns, but they are still happening. I hope to keep on going and hope my mother will be fine. As days pass by I gain more damage from this whole situation. But even so, it is a damage I’m glad to endure, because I know I’m actually coping with my problems.

I wish to hear your story, because it really helps me. If you would agree to do so, please e-mail me : idojac@gmail.com. It helps.

soulsister 2/21/2018 - 5:44 am

Those are some heavy burdens to start carrying at such a young age. I truly feel for you.
You are a truly beautiful person and your mother is blessed to have you.

Urm8451n 2/21/2018 - 5:59 am

Thank you for your compliments. It is hard, but if I’m focusing on the goal, life gets easier. Everything in life is getting a meaning. I’m on to something -> I work and progress toward a goal. That is what motivates me.

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