March 20th, 2018 by Jean-bean102

I am here. Simply as it is that. For few months, I was thinking that nothing is truly last. I lost someone, a good friend who I care and love very much. The last person, I would expect to lose. It takes me a while for me to recover from that loss. I didn’t want to believe it is my loss. Now I accept it happens to me and it does not matter if I deserve it or not. I simply lost someone and it affects my life in good and bad ways. I still have hard time to look at something I love such as art I enjoy so much come with stabs in the heart. I used to do everything relates it to that person. I feel the lonely but same time it shows how much I don’t pay attention to myself enough. I finally get my hair cut as I want it to be. I finally get my own car and I am able to drive and go to work. I actually meet some new friends and finally explore more sexual side that I very much needs. I have joined a certain large group that I have dreams to join for so long and was too scared to do so. But now I am part of that amazing world and it really does help with my self-esteem and my identity.¬† It makes me accepting who I am now. I am still struggling to see myself not as a toxic, awful person but a really good person with a hopeless big heart. I really am a good person.

I already accept that I made mistakes and accept that I did act on the toxic behavior I wish I didn’t. I was out of control and was a sad person who took a break from school, overwhelming with everything changes and plus with her father in a hospital… I was trying hold on the last person too tightly and broke her. I accepted I did that and forgive myself for it. I do hope that person would too someday.

 

I am still hurt that I lost her to other ex-friends.  Last two weeks, I was travel to New York and Washington DC. I did a lot of thinking and went on tour. I have so much fun with my friends. With my good friends, we chat and have fun as if it is like I never left. I am thankful to have them to remind me that I am not that evil person I thought I might have becomes. I am someone who is too hard on herself. And I am ready to change that. I am sick of it.

In few days I will be home, and I am ready for a long sleep and wake up to a new morning. I notice my body improves and only shaking two times a month. That is a huge improvement…

I will edit this later but yeah. Things get better for me.

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