Every time I seem to recover is when exams are looming, I need the exam stress to distract me form the never ending thoughts. I have a boyfriend in waiting, which is stressing me out more than when we were just best friends. he is probably more emotionally inept than in am, if that’s possible, so I’m not sure it’ll be the best match, but I honestly cant see myself with anyone else.
Anyway, its been a month since my last suicidal episode (I’m have borderline personality disorder.) and I’m feeling lost, I’m so used to my suicidal thoughts and the never ending struggle to keep myself for killing myself that I feel I have no purpose atm. I can happily study all day, but once it hits dinner and bed time I cant deal with myself, I drink excessively and blast music.
have you heard of Neil Hilborn? ‘the sadness is the old paint under the new, id still be me without it, but id be so boring’ that me now, I’m not at ease with the calmness of not being suicidal. does anyone else relate? how do you deal with it?