I’m soon to be 37, living at home with parents, bipolar, Ivy League masters degree and a bankrupt lonely unemployed failure. I’ve lived a good life, was privileged, lucky and born with good looks and intelligence. Now I’ve crapped out, I’m suicidally depressed and just exhausted by this morass of life. I can’t get out of this black hole no matter the effort but I don’t blame anyone else. At some point I wish society would just leave those of us who are scared to die alone and have decidedly seen the peak of their existence leave this world on their own terms. I’ve gone from panic to terror and now numbness to a life that goes by outside that I’m no longer a part of and haven’t been for awhile.
I hated nihilism, yet I’m now most certainly locked in its grip. I don’t even know why I’m posting here yet feel compelled to. I just want to call it a day and never wake up again – I leave nothing behind; no mortgage, no children and certainly no significant other. I need to save my limited funds up to figure a way to end this correctly, peacefully and finally.
22 comments
Message me at Lifeisasewer@gmail.com
It will be worth your while.
Flutterby, I have the same story. Can you help me?
I’m jobless and depressed because of it
Descartes, what has happened to cause you this deep depression?
I’d get into it but it isn’t worth it. No catharsis. You look back and it degenerates into hopeless daydreaming or agonizing powerlessness and regret. What matters is my life has become a reductionist nightmare that I can’t seem to get out of. I can’t get any job. My significant other left me. I spend most of the day in bed. Life is unrecognizable versus what it was. The awareness that for some of us we (and many use this exact word on this site) have drifted so many standard deviations away from a meaningful existence or hope of one is stupefying. For me the more I fight the more life fights back, and Murphy’s Law is to be expected and achieved with immediate effect whenever effort is exerted. The specifics I’m afraid would decloak me. But I can tell you this – I just want out. It is that bad. And I’m much too old to be this helpless, insolvent and a burden to my family and society.
Perhaps a massive change of life is in order…
If you are god looking and know how to talk to women,,, you can sort through them to find a meaningful one…
I did the same,,,
Made the difference for me….
Not complete happiness, but it does open additional doors
Lifeisasewer at gmail
Message me Descartes. It’s worth your while.
Foundhappiness: yes, that isn’t the issue. Where exactly do you find a relationship when you have no money, no hope of money and live at home at my age? The fulcrum point here isn’t loneliness, it’s merely another accessory to the fact that one cannot support oneself or be independent. Changing is quite the word but let’s face it – this requires money (none here) and/or effort (believe me, tried). Whenever I hear “change” I cringe – this is a concept for younger more vibrant people with a base to improve upon; I have no foundation with which to build from.
I am of perfectly sound mind, I’m not useless but life has me slotted into some kind of nullspace I cannot extricate myself from. Thus if I wish everyone else happiness, it should come as no surprise that I have no desire to live decades of what will be a steady degradation. I know how I’ll end it, it’s only a matter of money and sourcing.
Im nearly 15 years older than you are…
While I own my own home,,, I went through a period of really bad times, … years worth,, then recently lost my job and now just got a new one,,, albeit not one in my field.,, far from it actually.
And I still have to go through other “times” coming up that aren’t pleasant…
You can still find someone that will help change your outlook.
A real lady will want to be with you, money or not. If she likes you enough, money won’t matter,,,,, you might even meet one that has plenty of her own and willing to use it on things for you both.
Foundhappiness I’m glad you found your footing and persevered. I understand wisdom indeed comes with experience. One caveat though in your suggestion – it basically presupposes a woman will see in a man the one thing she would find biologically (this is in our DNA due to evolution) revolting: a completely dependent and utterly useless person she has to financially and emotionally support. I’d be better off attempting to predict lottery numbers.
All banter aside I do appreciate your interest in my ability to thrive and life. I’d like to hope this site is more of a passion play for its participants and a sandbox to relieve the unique pressures many feel in life and then post/release and live on. For me this is not the case. I’ve tracked this site for years now, never having posted. You can I hope by now tell I’m not unintelligent, ignorant or uninteresting. But that’s the circular problem I face: life for me in its natural form is far too ambitious and expansive than life in its current form and future path; hence the desire to leave this disaster behind and count my blessings I had it good when I did and leave no one behind to rely upon me.
No doubt I know there is plenty more you can say as to how you got into this position…
My guess is that your bipolar has a lot to do with it… and I know, it is a tough affliction to live with.
As for women, there are all types out there…… and it is like sorting through a dump these days…. but there are the few and very rare good ones….. I know, because I am blessed with one….
And I don’t know you, but assuming you treat women well and don’t abuse them or control them in any form, they look for those rare guys….. I know too because my lady told me so… as well as my other female friends.
It sounds like you have dug a deep hole,,,, and like you, I know my best years have passed too (in many but not all ways)….
But I keep going…. because each day brings forth a possibility that something will come along, even though we go for a long time with the same ol same ol….
You sound pretty smart too,,, as I am,,, I never mentioned it here before, but I too am gifted with above average intelligence, having been in advanced classes since 3rd grade….like college level materials…
But overall that doesn’t really matter…. there are a lot of other more important things out there,,, and when it comes to women too,,,,, many would rather have a down to earth guy….money or not…..
Descartes, at least here you are living with your parents. Once you die, there’s no telling in which part of the earth and in what form you will end up. I have seen many a dead people’s spirits, all of whom seemed troubled. Believe me, there’s life on the other side too. You may have to face THAT life, and you won’t be even able to discuss your thoughts with anyone else. Do you want to take a chance to that?
Can you try to get a fake birth certificate or something and then try starting your life all over again? Believe me, there are people with much more money and everything, but they are lying in the cancer ward, hoping for a chance to be in your shoes. I know because I used to get exploding migraines and they drove me into believing that I would be better off working as a healthy janitor
Descartes, my story is the same. I did masters in Economics from an Ivy League college. Worked for 2 years, then got an illness because of which I had to go into recovery, and now after 4 years, when I’m looking for a job, I can find none, because of the gap in my resume. I am thinking of starting all over again by applying for a Phd. Why don’t you think of doing the same?
As a matter of fact, I posted on the same topic today, by the heading “Unemployed and depressed”. Coincidence?
Well coincidence probably. I’m a bit ahead of you as I’ve explored the PhD option as well. Believe me my posting wasn’t to ask for comments it was more out of my own resignation and disappointment at my life. For everyone else, audentes Fortuna iuvat – for me not so much.
One more thing madhurgupta – look up “Cartesian Doubt”, you may find the answers you seek in completely rebuilding your perception of what is real, what is assumed and what you hadn’t sorted out as real vs. assumed yet. Also, I’m a big fan of Kant and a priori vs. posteriori circumstances and queries; I’ve come to the “nullspace” comment I made earlier above. Good luck to you sir!
I don’t understand what you said
A big part of your problem seems to be the fact that you want to not look outside your circle of thought. Life is much more than money. If you live in the USA, then you already have the privilege of earning more than an average Indian like me. Plus, you have time to pursue your passions, like mathematics, data science, etc.
Look at Einstein, was he successful before he gave the theory of relativity? He was a clerk. Live your life. Don’t become a servant to your circumstances. If you can’t earn money then do something else that makes you happy. Don’t tell me there aren’t earning opportunities in America
….just wondering why you are so confident you can’t have friends…
Perhaps try to speak to others “normally”…. we know you are intelligent,, no need to “impress”… but I can tell you, from reading what you type, the “aloofness” it portrays will scare most everyone away…. just an observation……
Plenty of smart folks out there…. including me…
But for the average woman (or guy).. it won’t work..
There may in fact be “earning opportunities” in the US, insofar as it is usually possible (depending on where you live) to get a minimum wage job, but these jobs often do not guarantee full time hours, and therefore don’t typically pay enough to live on. It may be better than in other countries–I can’t speak to that. But the “American Dream” isn’ t what it is cracked up to be. There are obvious advantages to living in North America, but poverty is poverty, and the life of the “working poor” is no picnic no matter what country you are living in. Plus, if you ARE educated you have an even harder time finding a job because you end up in the overqualified/underqualified category: not enough experience for the jobs that actually pay a living wage, but enough education for the manager at Starbucks to assume you will be bored.
You know I read a lot of nonsense on here all of the time,,,, BUT,,, this time… I will say… you wrote one of the most accurate statements I have ever heard on here… Thank you for that,,, and you are wise…. 🙂
I see plenty of that all around me…
I had a full time job, albeit one not in my field.. not high paying,,, lost it due to circumstances beyond our control (we all lost it when the place closed).
But given my current life circumstance,,, one I was satisfied with.
I have one now,, just took a part time job, no full time positions offered….
It seems as though this has become an epidemic here in this country now…. as you said,,,,, it has become largely working poor.
I am fortunate in that I own my own home outright (really nice and big one)…. so really l don’t have to be concerned with a roof over my head really…. I can easily sell this place and retire too.
I have 2 college degrees…. under qualified for some things here, over for most,,,, but I also sacrifice for other reasons.. by choice.
Thank you for your intelligent comment…. 🙂
Hi, I am in a similar circumstance. (Though two years younger.). I too have an advanced degree from a prestigious university…and despite having done what I thought was the “right thing”, and despite having worked really, really hard, I too am in financial despair, and living as a burden to other people. I have been trying to set things right, and I just…can’t. I relate to what you said about not being “totally” useless. For example, I am at a group at a hospital, and the OT and social worker always say “you are so smart/have so much education, don’t worry, there will be SOMETHING you can do”. I almost, in a weird way, envy people who are less functional. People whose illnesses render them so incapable of functioning that they have to be placed in a group home, or in the hospital long term. Not that I think that is an enviable existence–I don’t. But…in some ways, at least those people don’t live with the pressure and judgment from other people that those of us who have some sort of “objective” indicia of success (like higher education) suffer daily. And judgment from ourselves too. I always wonder: could I try harder and do better? And then I try harder but it never works. And I don’t know where I keep going wrong or why I can’t fix it. If I were so far gone that a Dr had to intervene and place me in a group home or a long term hospital, at least I would feel like the problem wasn’t me but my illness. But because I’m in this gray zone of “well, maybe you can function but not at the level that you thought”, it’s just torturous….so….sorry, I know that didn’t provide any insight into your own situation…but….just wanted to say I hear you, and I understand..