Still not dead. Wish I was.

My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so I got a Vicodin script. It’s fucking hilarious. They are so proud of me for not smoking weed. I’ve shown them 2 “good” tests now weed free and when it says I come up for opiates it’s all good cause the doctor gave me a script…only 12 5mg pills but that’s 12 excuses “as needed for pain” good for a whole year. I got my paper shield to tell them to piss off. What most people don’t realize is that Heroin can only be detected as different from other opiates for 12-18 hours after last use. If I know or think I’m going to have to go for a test all I have to do is not do dope the day of or I can make poppy-seed tea. I was supposed to be done with probation on February 16th. I didn’t get all my community service hours done 78 out of 200 done and I been doing this sober living class for 100 hours credit. I’m living in a different county than this case so of course the class I graduated from in my county when I go to court last time the other county person that supervises me is like oh that class isn’t compatible how many more months do you need to do another 122 hours and I’m like wtf are you talking about. I was told this was an equivalent program. Turns out the prosecutor is actually a semi decent person too seeing as I’m being such a good boy. He was like no-no he’s supposed to get credit and wrote up a court order to get me credit for 100 hours. I went to that class high as a kite on heroin almost every time. It’s ironic that I’ve kicked my “weed addiction” by using heroin.

I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago because she was selfish as fuck and judgemental. We argued about the same thing we argue about every 3-4 months for the last 5 years. She says she can’t be with someone who does drugs and that she can’t be around it. I told her as soon as I’m done with probation I’m going to start using weed again every day. She made me choose her or drugs so I obviously choose drugs. Drugs make me feel good and she makes me feel bad. Easy choice. I said this isn’t like it’s news I’ve been telling her forever that I use weed and will continue to do so. I haven’t told anyone about the heroin. It’s a dirty shameful addiction and of course nobody that hasn’t done dope really understands. I guess curiosity killed the cat. After many times watching people do and being offered more than once and clearly because the dope fiends wanted me to be more inclined to giving them a ride for the shit I tried it anyway. I’ve been chipping it for 6 months now. I can’t afford a daily habit even if I wanted to but I know how shitty it is to go cold turkey. Worst flu I’ve ever had and knowing you can make it better in a flash is even worse. Heroin is the most addictive thing I’ve ever tried. I don’t smoke cigs so I can’t compare it.

I’m so sick of being used by everyone I’ve ever met. I let my girlfriend abuse me for years. I was just her sex object. She would use me for her pleasure and leave me sexually frustrated as soon as she got hers… She was a whore for attention. Good bad didn’t seem to matter to her. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat (she runs marathons) or if she was pretty. She understood me I guess and that’s why I didn’t leave her before. She could be a complete sweetheart and at other times be a cold heartless ***** to protect herself from rejection or whatever. The longer we were together the more she seemed to think she could use me as her emotional punching bag. I never responded to that in a positive way. If she was abusive to me I would ignore her for days or whatever till she apologized. I cut her off of the attention she wanted by throwing these tantrums. I guess I’ve grown and she just stayed the same or even went backward.

I guess what really hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. I accepted her for who she was and she gave me ultimatums. That never ends in me doing what someone wants. I just can’t live with letting someone run my life.

I wish I was dead. It’s all I think about. The closer I get to putting my life back on track the more I try to fuck it up and the more I want to just give up. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a decent person to everyone I meet and that kindness and generosity being mistaken for weakness. My heart just isnt into being an asshole. People keep trying to take advantage.