Why I’m Alive

March 12th, 2018by WyteHeart

Hi there, I’ve probably had suicidal thoughts for a little over half of my lifetime, but it has always been more of an academic debate for me, I would think about what my family would do without me, how my friends would feel, and I know I couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know why I never killed myself, I never really had any reason to stay alive, I wasn’t exactly the most promising kid I knew, I’m not athletic, I’m awkward as hell, and I’m not even that attractive…

And I had every reason to do it…
My stepdad was abusive, and made me feel like worse than dirt, I was scared to do anything, I would hide in my room all day, I never went out, I never made many friends, at most I would have 6-7 people I talked to regularly interspersed throughout my day.
Life was empty for me, sucked dry of fulfillment by my own personal demons, and even now, a little over 6 months after I left his physical clutches, I’m still stuck in that house mentally…
I think a great metaphor to describe this is that just last night I had a dream where He was in my new house, and as I was climbing up the stairs, he just smiled at me, and I tripped on my way up, He wasn’t being threatening, just smiled, he was sitting on a couch, and just his presence scared me…

And now, I’m in the worst depression I’ve ever experienced in my life, but I’m not tempted to kill myself, don’t get me wrong, I welcome death, but I have no desire to end myself…
If I was given the opportunity to sacrifice myself, so that others would benefit, I would do it in a heartbeat, Death doesn’t scare me anymore, I’m still a wuss, and can’t stand pain, but Death doesn’t frighten me…

The thing I think that’s kept me from ending it all, is probably jointly caused by a promise I made to myself when I was 9(way too young to be having these thoughts, might I add!) to never kill myself, excluding sacrificing myself for the sake of others, and my stepdad, who said that “suicide is the coward’s way out” and not killing myself is sort of defiance against him…

Luckily, it’s not all bad, I’ve read somewhere that those who suffer from depression often laugh louder than those who don’t, so when I’m with my friends, I feel fine, but 10 minutes alone and I’m moping…

I’ve always wanted to have an impact in the world, which I suppose held me back from ending it all, but as I fall further into despair, my fantasies of making a difference become more and more bleak, and they lose the idealism, until they devolved into “How can I be a supervillain so the world unites and kills me, and becomes a better place after I die…

This section would be where I put more Political contributors to my depression(as in they involve my political leanings) I won’t share them unless people ask for them, as I don’t want to get any backlash for this…

I don’t want to hurt my friends, or my family, so I will never commit suicide, but that’s almost worse isn’t it? to be trapped by everything you love, but also supported by it? it’s almost poetic, isn’t it? I hope all of you who read this find happiness, and it lasts you a lifetime…

Until next time…

 

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