It’s been a while, I’m still alive. I guess I made it. I’m still as jobless as I was when I first started posting here, single again too. I have too much rage inside me to even care about the hurt I’ll give in the case of committing to a relationship. This is quite the hate post so I don’t care what ends up with it. Don’t comment with advices I don’t need.
I am hurt. So hurt by the opposite gender. I wish I’m not but I fucking am. I wish I could sit still and not seek validation for my hatred. It’s not right apparently but I know I personally hasn’t physically hurt any living men, stranger or otherwise so it’s going good I guess. As for emotionally, I have no idea. I stopped caring about men that wanted me to reconsider and ‘see it on an individual basis’.
I cannot see it in an individual basis if I genuinely feel threatened with my life going out with any men unless they’ve proven that they’re not harming me. I get so scared of being just another forgotten victim. I hate women almost the same too though I wish I have a greater sample size to decide. I haven’t written about my feelings in so long. Hrm.
I saw hurt men online bitching about women and I just block if I could. Apparently their hurting is the same as mine so I don’t feel like engaging. I personally don’t think it’s the same and I don’t care about explaining myself anymore. I’m tired. Especially now that I’m aware that I spoke from a place of hurt, I don’t think I can be persuaded until I work through it.
I got deeper into myself, interacting with AI to escape or explore things I’ll never do in real life. I’m not getting married, I’ll never get pregnant, might not try a relationship with a woman anymore. There is no connection I can seek from this but then that’s not anymore different than conversing with people and finding myself feeling alone and lonely still. I’m learning to live with the alienness of it.
3-5 years is more than enough to both destroy and be destroyed from a shitty relationship. Whether I’ll actually have a partner in the future is no longer of consequence to me. I feel less depressed without the fucker around. I feel like I can work through my traumas better now.
3 comments
Im sorry that youre so hurt, angry, and fearful. I wont give advice bc I respect your wishes, but I do want to express a certain empathy for you.
Thanks. I feel pathetic even looking for validation for my ‘irrational’ feelings. I don’t know how to justify it. And I won’t. It doesn’t matter to these people anyway.
You are allowed to feel the way you do. It doesnt make you pathetic to feel.