Another One

Is it bad, that I cry until I cut myself? Because then, it all stops. I calm down and I draw the blade against my skin for another cut. To due my respects, it actually feels really good and pleasing. That might sound a little psychotic but I actually really like feeling the pain withing my wrist. Is it just me or does anyone else feel this way?

I stopped believe there was a better way out of my situation after my last girlfriend broke up with me.  After that, I didn’t feel like anything was important. So, I let everything slip…my grades, my average of caring, health…I started cutting even more. I know a lot of people say no to let that stuff get all hung up into your head…

Throughout that time of being extremely depressed I found out that I was not a girl. Sure my birth record says I’m a girl but am I really? Before that, I identified at gender fluid, for those who do not know what that means, it basically means you flow through both male and female or non binary gender. Also at the time I thought I was pansexual but then I figured out that I’m not gender blind…The thing is, with all this people think that we’re not human…we’re more ghost than flesh. Yeah, I’m actually used to not being accepted at this point.

So the thing is, is that I asked a “close” friend at the time that also went through what I did and they said to experiment with the male pronouns such as, he, his, him…So after I did that for a month or two I found out that I really liked the idea of being a boy. So, yeah…a lot of people came at me and said I’m not a valid boy. They said you can’t become transgender over night even though, it’s the courage to tell someone that comes overnight not becoming transgender. So because of that problem/misconception I lost a lot of my friends…You know, I thought I’d be used to it by now. But, I guess I’m not used to having barely any friends to hang out with…I only have a few here and there.

During the month of February was when I came out. The first person I came out to, was my boyfriend. Yes, I’m happy I have him…Sure he’s a little bit far away but nothing a car can’t travel. I love him with all my life. He’s the only thing that is actually keeping me here…planted to Earth. And the thing is, is that he doesn’t know how much of impact he made when he responded to my message.

Soon I began to accept that no one was going to be able to accept me for I am becoming so I shut a lot of people out. My mother (who doesn’t know yet), told me this morning that I turned into a total *****. I said sorry in a really quiet voice. I want her to know, however, she’s transphobic. She thought that transgender people brought me into my depression. The thing is, it was my older sister who did. What she all did to our family horrified me and at the time I was only in 7th grade. Then, I didn’t know what depression was. It didn’t show until about the summer before sophomore year…if it helps I’m a junior now. So about 2 summers ago. When we came back to school for last year my friends that I had then said I turned very emo. I asked if it was bad and all they did was shrug their shoulders.

Not everything goes as you plan. Remember that.

And, yes I am Ftm trans (female to male). I’m proud for who I am, and who I am becoming. I don’t have many people that I talk with anymore but those who I do, support me and I know that. I guess if you have any questions you can contact me on my Instagram or Discord. *I’ll post discord later school blocked it* Just ask for it in the comments but here’s my Instagram: geo.the.hero

I’m a ball of depression and I need to go…