Hi… So… Uh… Well, maybe it’s not really related to suicide at all but… Have any of you ever, like, unconsciously forcing yourself to be sad? To be hated? To be… You know. Kind of suicidal? Cause I surely have. I guess.
Oh boi. How do I even start this. I don’t really know exactly when did this starts but… I mean, I’m not depressed or anything like that! Seriously, I’m normal and healthy af. But for some reason, lately I’ve been trying hard to hurt myself, I’ve been trying to suck all the negative emotion inside me, I’ve been trying to make everyone happy but it never works so I always ended up alone in a dark room crying for no reason. I’m not sad, and I’m afraid of death, but I keep forcing myself to wanting to commit suicide and shit. I keep getting paranoid thinking that I might am depressed but online test always says nope, I’m not. I keep preparing things thay would be usefull for commiting suicide but never actually done that. Heck, its not even only about suicide! Since a couple of years ago I’ve been forcing fcked up shit into my brain and forcing myself to be as sadistic as possible, I’ve been trying to convince myself unconsciously that it would’ve been a great idea to start committing a massacre in my school, to slit open someone’s throat etc etc. I’ve been forcing my brain to eat up horrible things. I almost killed my best friend, almost raped my classmate, almost committed suicide, almost poisoned my teacher…
And by that, I mean, it could be that I was just sitting, chilling, reading a book, and the next second suddenly I’m ready to strike down the person besides me with a pocket knife for no reason or thinking about the best way to die in the most painful way. I’m not sad, I’m happy all the time! I’m just… Idk. I really don’t have any reason to do this. I don’t have a solid reason to die, nor do I have a good reason to kill a random peeps. Yet something…. Something… Deep inside…. It’s… Unexplainable… Its like a mixed feeling. Its confusing, weird, and making me want to puke. At times when I’m having thoughts about suicide, I always am the one who actually is cheering my own self up, that life wasn’t actually that bad and I could do better. But then it felt like… Everytime I cheered myself, I feel even more and more suicidal. The same goes when I’m on sadistic mode. I’m disgusted at my own self, I just want to die, yet it just makes me even more and more excited. But tbh, I’m not sure.
I could be just seeking for attention, right? I’m just one of those attention whores. That’s why I keep bragging about my suicidal and sadistic thoughts on the internet etc. Am I even happy? Why am I happy with all of these weird shit happening? Why am I even writing this? Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I paranoid? Am I just being a *****? Am I even being honest with myself? The answer is Idk. Why did I even exist on the first place? What is my existence for? What is real and what is not? What is my emotion? Who am I even? Why am I like this? What am I really doing? Am I lying or did I actually said the truth? Do I actually enjoy people’s suffering? Do I actually am suicidal? Am I just bitching around for no reason? Am I joking about this whole thing? What do I feel about this? Am I actually lying to my own self? Why?
This might looked like a shit post to most of you, but I do actually felt like I’m slowly losing my mind a little bit there.
Oh and btw yes my friends are all bitches and dicks that wants me dead, and my parents are ignorant fucks that only cares for my accomplishment and reputation but my mom does looked kinda depressed because of the divorce rotffl aaah so many responsibilities I have to take and I’m soo scared to continue life