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shame

by miszion

today I woke up on the last day of a very stressful week. I’ve been working 7 days a week for a month and yesterday was my last day at one of the two jobs. I’m also diving back into school head first after a much too long and lazy break from it. I got a call from my oldest brother who is visiting my estranged and abusive mother in another state who went missing for two days and came back drunk and was threatening to kill them and then proceeded to kick them out on the street. They were stranded with no car, not a lot of money, nowhere to go, and not having another familiar face in that entire state. Today they were supposed to fly back and our mother had cancelled their flights, presumably during her manic episode, without warning them.

 

I also came out to my closest friends that I am an alcoholic and that I need help. I cried at work while asking for information on A.A. and began to realize that:

every time I’ve relapsed on self injury in the last three years I’ve been drunk

every time I’ve used hard drugs I was drunk

every time I’ve done something that I regret I was drunk

nowadays drinking is so casual and normal and a part of my routine. I do it without thinking, although I spend a lot of time just looking forward to my next drink. I have no self control and I can become incredibly reckless when I drink. There is no off switch after the first sip. I drink until I can’t drink anymore. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a day and a half without drinking. All of the local bars know me, and quite a few of my friends are bartenders as well. I live in a city that is known for its industry scene all over the world. You’re kind of looked at silly if you exclaim that you don’t drink.

but the point is, I guess, that I know I need to stop. I know that I am capable of so much and I am so great, but alcohol is impeding my abilities. I spend so many mornings hungover and puking and sleeping in when I could be writing A+ papers for school. but most of all, I see little bits of my mother when I look back at my countless drunk mornings, afternoons, and nights. and I will do anything it takes to not be like her, even in fleeting moments.

Does anyone here have any experience with AA or CBT? one friend of mine mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy and while I did a quick google search, I’d like to hear any real experiences you all are willing to share.

thanks for reading and I hope everyone here has been and is doing well. <3

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born loser 4/21/2018 - 11:25 pm

I’m not doing well. I hope you get better though

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/22/2018 - 1:55 am

I’ve had 2 AA meetings. I was not an alcoholic, but occasionally I had drank too much at parties, wound up blacked out. I was young, underage and caught with alcohol which led me to have to do a few AA meetings. I was given a recommendation that there was a LGBTQ AA group. This was 4-5 years ago. All I remember is there were a lot of older people, 5-15 years older than myself and they were mostly gay men. Most people would just sit and listen while some chose to disclose their sobriety dates and when they had been tempted to drink again. The group leader was sober about a year, but recently his ex-lover had invited him off to some cabin, whatever, and everyone was drinking when he felt pressured to relapse, but he didn’t because staying sober meant a lot to him.

I am currently in a RBT group and a EARLY SUBSTANCE FECOVERY group because I was caught driving after having had drank, which I was doing a lot of (but honestly as a good driver never felt I was a danger on the road)
I like to size it up to terms of buzzed, tipsy, drunk and hammered. Come to find out when I’m driving buzzed that’s a .083 and when I’m driving tipsy that’s a .169 on the blowers. Of course after blowing, I’m amazed. I’m like, “I drank an Olde English 40 oz, 2.5 hours ago and had a 1/4 of another in the last hour…! How could I blow .169!!” I always think the tools they use to measure aren’t accurate.
So yes, I would drive home buzzed and tipsy.
For me, drunk, is half a bottle of vodka.and hammered is 3/4 bottle. Before my arrests, I did drive drunk once or twice. I only ever get drunk off hard liquor but have never actually been DRUNK drunk off beer or wine (which my arrests followed)
Another curious thing is although I have received these DUIs, and I would drive and toke all the time. I have never had accidents whilst stoned or buzzed. I would do this all the time. But the only minor accidents I had been in were completely sober cause I was looking at phone HA. I guess for me, it’s more dangerous to drive with my phone than on drugs. Well because I was high 24/7 and had years of practice.

In these groups, they teach terms and use recovery books. They are ten week groups. Classes 2x a week and a counselor appointment 1x a week. I think I have to sign up for AA with my counselor. I get free attendance and treatment with help from my probation officer and judge, but it is required by court and nothing I would willingly do on my own, so you’re thinking in the right direction in trying to help yourself.

I haven’t smoked marijuana in a year five months this is not willingly this is forced
I know if I could toke up I would be happy again
Too many folks with their nose in my business
I have to pay around 7,000$ to court and to get my license back. I have about 3,500$ more to pay I am not sure if I will survive. It has been a year 8 months since I could drive.
I do not have a home, I do not have transportation, I can barely afford to take care of my basic needs.

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