shame

  April 21st, 2018 by miszion

today I woke up on the last day of a very stressful week. I’ve been working 7 days a week for a month and yesterday was my last day at one of the two jobs. I’m also diving back into school head first after a much too long and lazy break from it. I got a call from my oldest brother who is visiting my estranged and abusive mother in another state who went missing for two days and came back drunk and was threatening to kill them and then proceeded to kick them out on the street. They were stranded with no car, not a lot of money, nowhere to go, and not having another familiar face in that entire state. Today they were supposed to fly back and our mother had cancelled their flights, presumably during her manic episode, without warning them.

 

I also came out to my closest friends that I am an alcoholic and that I need help. I cried at work while asking for information on A.A. and began to realize that:

every time I’ve relapsed on self injury in the last three years I’ve been drunk

every time I’ve used hard drugs I was drunk

every time I’ve done something that I regret I was drunk

nowadays drinking is so casual and normal and a part of my routine. I do it without thinking, although I spend a lot of time just looking forward to my next drink. I have no self control and I can become incredibly reckless when I drink. There is no off switch after the first sip. I drink until I can’t drink anymore. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a day and a half without drinking. All of the local bars know me, and quite a few of my friends are bartenders as well. I live in a city that is known for its industry scene all over the world. You’re kind of looked at silly if you exclaim that you don’t drink.

but the point is, I guess, that I know I need to stop. I know that I am capable of so much and I am so great, but alcohol is impeding my abilities. I spend so many mornings hungover and puking and sleeping in when I could be writing A+ papers for school. but most of all, I see little bits of my mother when I look back at my countless drunk mornings, afternoons, and nights. and I will do anything it takes to not be like her, even in fleeting moments.

Does anyone here have any experience with AA or CBT? one friend of mine mentioned cognitive behavioral therapy and while I did a quick google search, I’d like to hear any real experiences you all are willing to share.

thanks for reading and I hope everyone here has been and is doing well. <3

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