For the kids

Tuesday May 1st 2018

Koralie. Or Koraly. Or Korallie. That’s your sister’s name, Maggy.

I like Koralie better.
I want to see you both.

A lot.

I’m not doing well now.

I took how many pills?

I feel pathetic.

Manilla asked me how I do it.

She’d kill herself if she were me.

If only she knew.

I love you two so much.

SO much.

I want to meet you both.

And your brother without a name.

I love you three so much.

Because you’re me.

And you’re mine.

And I’ll take care of you.

I want to walk to you.

Talk to you.

Feel your nappy hair rub against my chest as you sleep.

I have to stay alive.

Write my will.

To live.

I want to live to love you.

I’m failing everything, my babies.

But you’re there, I hope.

You’re reading this, I hope.

You’re my everythings, you know?

My love, my life, my safety nets.

And you don’t even exist yet.

But you’re the only things that make me happy.

I can’t wait to be there for you.

To love you the way I never loved myself.

But I want to end it all.

Because I can love you,

But I’m not good enough.

I won’t be good enough.

You’ll leave me, too.

But I’ll love you anyway.

But you’ll break my heart.

But it’ll beat for you anyway.

I’m trying to fight.

And you’re worth the fight.

But I can’t fight anymore.

I’m so tired of fighting against it.

I’m tired.

But I still love you.

I took 15 pills.

That’s how many.

But I still love you.