I can’t really explain why, but my response to learning more about how the world & society operates was deciding I didn’t want to take part. Maybe it’s that I was too idealistic as a child, and too engaged in stories and fantasy. Maybe it was that I had a false sense of pride. Perhaps I had it too easy when I was young. But on encountering my own low status and the way I was perceived by others, my response was not to struggle to better myself. It was to opt out. And I’ve continued on with that all my life.
I don’t know if it’s stubbornness, or immaturity. But a part of me just refuses to accept the reality. The idea of putting in the hard work necessary to convince others that I’m worthwhile makes me want to just give up. For some reason a part of me insists on being accepted on my own (extremely flawed) terms, rather than proving myself through demonstrations of merit. It’s not that I’m entirely lacking in wit, grace, or ability. But having to put the effort in to actually show that to others…I guess I just don’t want it enough. This deluded part of me only wants the benefits that come from social relationships if they’re based on how inherently ‘special’ I am, rather than the positives I can provide others.
And I can see that’s a pointless counterproductive attitude to have. I can see that it hasn’t led me anywhere good. But I just don’t have it in me to overcome it. My will to live, to succeed, just isn’t strong enough.
4 comments
Your attitude is perfect. It’s the way everyone should be, but isn’t. Stay yourself
Husk, I don’t like you. Because you never seem to read the comments on your posts. However you always write, nearly verbatim my experience of the world, and perhaps the uncanny resemblance to my own inner dialogue draws me back. Apart from that i have no suggestions. The world is absurd — meditate, sleep and work.
That’s understandable, I don’t provide many reasons to like me. I do try and read the comments on my posts, but I often don’t reply if I don’t feel I have anything meaningful to say, and I sometimes miss things due to time differences (I’m in the UK.) Anyway, I’m sorry if it irks people.
I’m also sorry if your experience of the world resembles my own in some ways. It’s not a good perspective to have, all things considered. Life does often seem absurd, and I do need to meditate, sleep, and work more.
Hey Husk,
I agree that relationships should be based solely on one’s unique qualities rather than ‘what they can bring to the table’. If one can’t appreciate another without wondering the benefits they reap from it, truly they don’t appreciate the depth of a human.
I can understand your not feeling the need to prove yourself to others to feel worthwhile. I feel the same, and generally I tend to adorn my body in a way that is not typical of “life’s lemmings” (striving for others approval). I don’t dress, think, act, or look “normal” and that is how I am comfortable. If it weren’t for scaring the kids in my son’s class while volunteering I wouldn’t have tamed my bright red mohawk.
Be you Husk. You’re an interesting dude. You’re smart and witty. Anyone who can’t appreciate you can suck it.