I cut again yesterday after several months without doing so. I was happy my cuts had healed with little scarring. Now I’m disappointed in myself, like I’m back at square one, ashamed to have to hide the cuts, scared I’ll end up mutilating my eye, and then end up killing myself. There’s been a recurrent urge to cut my eye, came close yesterday, held the blade up to my eye, but thankfully never made contact.
It’s strange, I’m closer than ever to getting treatment, and yet recovery feels impossibly out of reach.
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Self harm is a weird thing. I have used it as a method to cope with my illness and as a method of self-deliverance (which failed and left me hospitalized, with a nasty scar). I haven’t cut since November but every time I look at them, the scars, I feel this sense of empowerment. They are healing, I am healing. I have created a kind of relationship with my scars…It sounds bizarre but they can be a reminder of how powerful you are and just how much control you actually have over your life, and your happiness…
PS: Don’t cut your eye though, you’re going to need it to see your scars, to see your strength 😛
Yeah, it’s very weird. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve cut at all, but I’m happy you’ve gone without cutting for that long and found empowerment from the scars. It had been since January for me. I struggle not to feel ashamed of the scars, so I hope I can get to that point.
I really don’t want to cut my eye, not when I’m thinking clearly. Blindness is one of my strongest fears, honestly, but I get these intrusive thoughts about it, and I know how serious and permanent eye injuries are, so I’m afraid of doing it while dissociating.
self-harm can become addictive yea, but cutting your eyes? :/ please don’t do that. get help and i hope you recover, im sorry you are going through this.
Yeah, it’s not something I’d ever want to let myself do, and it scares me to think about it. I’m going to go to a walk-in clinic tomorrow, hopefully that helps. Thank you.
I just relapsed a couple days ago too, from my like 7 months clean. I guess it’s kind of different for me because I still have to hide all my previous cuts because they scar badly. I’m jealous yours don’t! But don’t feel too ashamed, it’s a process and everyone slips up from time to time.
As for recovery, try and take it one day at a time instead of focusing on the end goal. It may take a while, but with some dedication & help, you can make it if you want 🙂 Don’t feel discouraged because of this one day! Stay safe.