I cut again yesterday after several months without doing so. I was happy my cuts had healed with little scarring. Now I’m disappointed in myself, like I’m back at square one, ashamed to have to hide the cuts, scared I’ll end up mutilating my eye, and then end up killing myself. There’s been a recurrent urge to cut my eye, came close yesterday, held the blade up to my eye, but thankfully never made contact.
It’s strange, I’m closer than ever to getting treatment, and yet recovery feels impossibly out of reach.