for my 3rd attempt. i lost all hope that life will get any better. i can’t seem to find a job that i am good at or want to keep. i’ve had about 6 jobs this past April – none of them i wanted to keep for even a week. i just hope that i’ll be successful this time. my 2nd attempt landed me in the hospital for 2 months last year. i don’t think the suicidal ideation ever left me, despite the number of medications I’ve been given for bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, and depression. it’s the urge to actually try that comes and goes. and this month, the urge to attempt at offing myself is here. i do have more manic episodes than depressive ones. the meds i take are sedating and i wonder if i take enough of them, will that do the trick.
my mind races with alot of crazy thoughts most of the time. it’s a daily challenge to quiet those crazy thoughts. it’s different from hearing voices in my head. the crazy thoughts are impulsive and often times self-destructive.
i want to harm myself – i want to push my limits – and if i die trying, i’ll be happy.