for my 3rd attempt. i lost all hope that life will get any better. i can’t seem to find a job that i am good at or want to keep. i’ve had about 6 jobs this past April – none of them i wanted to keep for even a week. i just hope that i’ll be successful this time. my 2nd attempt landed me in the hospital for 2 months last year. i don’t think the suicidal ideation ever left me, despite the number of medications I’ve been given for bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, and depression. it’s the urge to actually try that comes and goes. and this month, the urge to attempt at offing myself is here. i do have more manic episodes than depressive ones. the meds i take are sedating and i wonder if i take enough of them, will that do the trick.
my mind races with alot of crazy thoughts most of the time. it’s a daily challenge to quiet those crazy thoughts. it’s different from hearing voices in my head. the crazy thoughts are impulsive and often times self-destructive.
i want to harm myself – i want to push my limits – and if i die trying, i’ll be happy.
2 comments
my therapist brought up the idea of meditation to me, since I have that thing with thoughts too, including the harm..
that the point wasn’t about controlling the thoughts even though it’s an exercise in reigning them in, but more to try to find a sense of focus and centeredness even when that’s going on, trying to maintain a calm center.
dunno how well it would work, tbh. especially in a full manic phase. but people have found ways to ride things out until they find something that works, even with jobs. there’s got to be something out there you’d be ok sticking it out with..
but there’s limits in more than just how extreme we can push pain. the opposite can pose as big a challenge.. I imagine you know that already.
That’s a good point about keeping a calm center. I know that when i do have a calm center, that i am able to make not so impulsive decisions. I’m actually rational. I think i need more practice in meditation because even in a manic phase, it’s difficult for me to remain focused for more than 5 minutes. I totally get what you’re saying. Thank you for your feedback and advice. ?