I dont usually double post, heck, i barely post on here or it comes in spirts. But ive just had a shitty ass day. Like i thought it was going to be okay but it isnt. I have one friend somewhere dying of cancer and i wont even know when he dies because we are just internet friends and i dont have contact with him outside snapchat. Im slowly losing the person who used to be my best friend and today is their birthday and they wouldnt even respond to me telling them happy birthday. My one stupid and toxic constant that is just there and is familiar wont fucking respond to me even though i know theyre shit to be in my life i just sometimes need him to be familiar. The one friend who has been in and out a bit and is being really good right now introduced me to these new online friend group and its been fun, it made my shitty day today so much better until this one guy saw what i looked like and turned into a huge fucking creep and sent me dick picts which i originally thought were part of a joke and then he sent me a couple messages after everyone was offline and now im scared to go back into that group because i dont want him to creep on me again. Another friend betrayed my trust in a stupid way to which my supposed best friend was like “thats not really trust betrayal” but when i send you pictures in fucking confidence and you ask for more while you are out in public with other people and still fucking view them that betrays my trust. I dont care if you are like “oh but no one else saw them” i dont onow that for sure, i thought you were home alone, i dont want anyone to even accidentally see those if they were not intended to. Last week when it was the night before j had to move back with my parents i had a breakdown, and it was more of a physical one than a mental one bevause i just started crying but my brain didnt have its normal numbing sad feeling like it does now and i tried to express my concerns to my old best friend and he just fucking blew me off, my current best friend just said something rude bevause i was sad about my dying friend and that hasnt made me want to tell her anything about my feeling since and she never apologized. And that same night during my breakdown, im always very good about not breakkng down in front of other people but i went to my fwb house bevause i needed to be fucking distracted and i fucking broke down in front of him and i never realized how nice it fucking is to have someone hold you while youre crying. But right now, that friend is going out of town for a few days so i dont even have him making sure im okay and being my escape from my parents house. Im tempted to fucking just leave right now and drive somewhere far away from all my problems and start new. Just take all myshit right now throw it in my car and at least get the fuck away for a few days but the only person who i can think of would take me in for a few days is the one who betrayed part of my trust and i just cant do that right now and i dont think i can even leave my bed right now my chest is so broken and i just cant stop crying and moving home was the worst idea and ive been here a week and i cant tell if its just me siking myself out about relapsing which is why i am relapsing or if its actually the fact that this fucking house has a curse on me to constantly make me depressed. I came home from work wanting tk cut myself, stopped myself by talking to a friend and putting myself into a better mood and now im back to square one with all the shit that has happened. Sorry for double postinf and then just not being able to spell at all but im just so broken right now i dont know what to do. I dont know who the fuck i can even trust in my life right now.