I told my therapist today that I’d lapsed again and was seriously thinking about quitting. I said I’d make a decision by the end of the week. I don’t know how to make that decision. I feel so incredibly conflicted.
At times the idea of stopping fills me with relief. I’ve spent the last 6 months trying to make a change, and failing. Or rather, trying to try. Because this huge part of me doesn’t want it to happen. It may even be the dominant part of me. The craving is so intense, and it just seems so essential. And repressing it completely saps my motivation. It’s the only thing I want to do, and not doing it just leaves me miserable. I can’t see how I’ll ever be able to maintain that level of control long term. It takes everything out of me, leaving no resources to do anything else. I don’t think I can be the person I’d need to be to make that work. I don’t think I want it enough.
On the other hand…I don’t want to give up on the idea of change. Of being a better person. Of living a really worthwhile life. This feels like a last chance. I don’t think I’d ever put myself through this process again. I’ve told her the most shameful things about me. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s sent my anxiety through the roof. She’s a good therapist overall. This is it – as good a chance to change as I’m going to get.
I like the idea of change, in theory. But when it comes to the specific methods…I can’t stand it. Simply refraining from something I’ve been reliant on for 15 years…it’s fucking tortuous. Every few minutes, every few seconds, the thought is there. And I have to continually repress that motivation. I have to sit with my shitty reality, with my misery, and try and resist this sublime thing. And I fail, in big ways and small, over and over. And I can’t see how it could go any different. I like the idea of change, but I don’t really believe in it. Not for me. Or not enough, anyway.
This feels like it could be a huge mistake. All that time (and money) spent painfully unpacking the darkest parts of my mind. I don’t want to be left alone with all that stuff again. I want to be that better person that I should be. I
On the other hand…I’m so tired of banging my head against this wall. I just don’t think I want it enough to ever make real progress. I’m going through the motions, but the commitments just not there. I’m wasting her time, and mine. I’m endlessly making myself feel worse trying to do something which I’m subconsciously just not serious about, and getting nowhere. There’s so many more effective things I could’ve put that energy toward – things that might have actually produced some change.
I don’t fucking know. I wish I could just see clearly.
6 comments
Maybe I do too.
I think part of the process is simultaneously wanting and not wanting the change therapy could bring.
Its hard to give up certain patterns and mechanisms for coping. Its hard to open pandoras box only to walk away from the one person who looked in.
I’ve been in therapy 15-16yrs.
Then again, I could be totally misinterpreting your post.
No, it sounds like you have a pretty good read on it.
I feel like i might have an idea of the addiction you speak of. Have you tried looking into online forums or somewhere you can openly discuss it?
That might be a good idea.
What drug have you been reliant on for 15 years?