I’m married and have three kids. I have a moderately well paying job, but I’m hanging by a thread and will be laid off any day.
Even though I bring in fairly good income, because of medical emergencies and flat out stupid financial choices we live in a shitty house. I can’t afford a lot of things for my wife and kids outside of necessities. They are miserable, and it is so hard for me to watch them suffer in this life.
I’ve been trying to find new work, but I come up empty handed. Each failed attempt reinforces that there is no place in this world for someone like me. I have nothing left to give this world.
And it used to be curiously that kept me going, wondering what the next day might bring. I don’t have that anymore, just knowledge that I’m careening towards my next huge embarrassing failure.
I only have one last thing to give my family, and that’s a life insurance payout to get them through the last few years of school. I know me killing myself will be very hard for the family to deal with, but the payout they stand to receive is more than I could every possibly give them while living.
No need to reply, I just wanted to type this out there and see if forming my thoughts into words would help me organize my next steps.
9 comments
I’m sure your family will disagree with you on payout alive vs. dead.
they’d rather have you than an insurance policy.
this ^
I hope your life insurance policy covers suicide, or you have a method that will make it look like an accident and they don’t find out you posted what you did here.
They won’t check his web history to see if he visited suicide websites but his life insurance does have to cover suicide or he has to make it look like an accident
It probably feels like your death + insurance payout is the best option right now, but if you love your family let them know your plans. Don’t play the secret martyr if you care for them. If it’s truly a rational decision, you should be able to include everyone it’ll affect. I have experience with this but I won’t go into it. You can probably guess.
sorry brother. I know how u feel but sit here without the family, without the wife. I feel that portion of me enhances my feelings of worthlessness, or once did, I can’t tell anymore. Regardless after your story it makes me feel, well, not better, not blessed, I’ll go with thankful that I don’t have others depending on me. Good luck, and yes, check up on that policy, insurance can be quite the scavengers
It sounds to me that you are judging your value by how much money you bring in. I bet if you asked your family, they would tell you that there is a lot more than money in the equation. Keep going….God it’s hard, I know.
You need to think this through my friend. If you feel bad for your family now imagine how much worse it’ll be for them when you’re gone.
Unless your insurance payout will cover all their living costs until they’re earned a university education and can support themselves and their mother then it’d probably be best if you stuck around. What if the insurance found a loophole and paid them nothing?
What’s worse is they won’t have a father. I could never have gotten to where I am today without my parents, their support, advice and so forth. So your wife/kids will have a very hard time if you’re gone.
I’d suggest treating it as a low point in your life and keep trying to find a job. Network, ask anyone you know, take whatever job you can in the meantime to make ends meet. Also consider moving to another state or country-go where the work is, a lot of people have done this.
A family member recently moved with their spouse/kids, to the US (from Canada) because they got a high paying job there. It’s totally worth it, I’d do the same. Don’t give up. I know when we face hard times we do want to end our lives, but look at the big picture.
If I ended my life about 10 years ago at my lowest point then I know a couple of people who relied on me would’ve ended probably ended up homeless. So as much as I’ve suffered, I’m still glad I stayed around to help them. Perhaps your wife could find work, look into social assistance, check out employment agencies, they’re usually pretty good at finding people work. Good luck.
It is refreshing to find someone who is not a millenial. It will get better and your kids will be scarred for life if you take yours. This is temporary. I have been there and can say that with assurance. Hang in there. Although it feels like it is about the money…it isn’t. It is about love. Your children love you.