I’m not an incel, to be totally clear, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what separates me from them, and what separates me from those of you on here who are in relationships, some long standing for a decade, possibly more, and are far closer to achieving what I considered to be at least a veneer of happiness, than I’ve ever been. But we’re all here. In the same place. No matter how bad or how mundane everything is for each of us, somehow we’re all here, willing to say we want to die, but hesitant enough to keep from squeezing the trigger. And part of me subconsciously still thinks we’re all so drastically different. Isn’t that funny?
i probably understand the suffering of incels a bit more than those who aren’t, simply due to the fact that I’ve never gotten laid, and that I’ve never really had an actual girlfriend. But there’s more to being an incel than that, and this is where our similarities end. I have had opportunities for sex; not many, since I wasn’t actively looking for it ever, but enough to count. I had to turn a girl down who, along with her friends, were dead set on the two of us screwing. I’ve had people come on to me, but they’ve just been beyond not my type. I think I posted earlier about getting seriously hit on over the course of a year by a girl in my class who didn’t know soda was unhealthy until I told her. i don’t mean to sound like a dick or anything, because she was really nice, but there’s no future for a relationship there; not even a few minutes. I can’t just use people for sex. I can’t just treat people like objects. If I ever stopped to that level I couldn’t ever live with myself ever again. I feel like I’m broken or something. Like there’s something about me that only attracts laughably incompatible people, sometimes with debilitating mental handicaps. I keep telling myself I’m too moral a person while I judge people and consider myself above them somehow. Something about me is an absolute cancer, but I either can’t find it or can’t kill it.
i could get laid if I wanted to, and ultimately that’s what separates me from the incels, so I guess I never could really relate. After all, I have my guitar to get me where my looks don’t, and that’s a privilege I neglect and overlook in and of itself. But I still do know what that pain is, that pain that literally flows through your bloodstream, all from total absence of an interaction, a genuine interaction with another human being who cares. I haven’t experienced this pain before until relatively recently, and I can’t imagine living so many more years like that. I really do wonder if the rest of this community, the “normal” people, I guess, feel that too, even though they’re not alone? But then again, like I said, I can’t really empathize with incels either, since it’s not like I don’t have means and options to attract at least a single one of the 3.5 billion women in the world. I have tools so I’m not stranded. I guess I’ll never know what that’s like either. Although if I did I guess I would have killed myself back in high school. Better or worse off? Who’s to say other than time?
Honestly I wish I could just hurry up and get in that relationship I idolize so much, break up and then kill myself, because I know I’ve been lying to myself this whole time about it being able to fill this hole in me that hurts so much. But then I’ll finally have proof.
Boy, That was a ramble if ever I’ve written one
6 comments
So, I had to ‘urban dictionary’ wtf incel meant.. I’m that in touch with society..
I am voluntarily celebate due to bad childhood involving rapes before kindergarten. I really am at a loss for understanding the need/desire to share oneself physically with another?
I don’t feel a need to attach myself to another human. (I did at one point, and it went badly.)
Among the suicidal community the lack of love and affection looks to be a common cause for wanting an exit so you aren’t abnormal.
My question, though, is what if you find this desired relationship and it goes well? What if she is every bit enthalled with you as you are her? Will you live? Will that fill the void? Or will you grow old together and if she dies first pull the trigger in broken heartedness?
An important lesson I learned in life (my father beat it into me)
NEVER rely on anyone. Noone stays forever.
That’s something I left out actually; the physical touch thing really doesn’t bother me too much like it seems to for them. I actually made this post because I was noticing a lot of them lately, and I didn’t know if they were always here or just joined now. And as it comes to this fantasy of a relationship, the funny thing is I really don’t know. I just expect it to change my life from the way it is now in some moderate way. I used to think about someone “saving” me and “saving” others when i was maybe a sophomore in high school, but I realized that was naive and dangerous and grew out of it.
Really it’s just that in my life it seems like I’m a freak for never having ever gone on a date, or had a pleasant or even notable high school dance memory, even a rejection. None of that. The rest of the world around me seems to have gone through all of this by the time they graduate from high school, but here I am with an associates degree and lacking that very common experience. When my younger brother told me about his first time I wasn’t jealous or anything, I just realized i was officially an outcast. I know now that it really isn’t that unusual, but I didn’t know that then.
To add something else, I have no desire to grow old at all. Whatever it is that I’m looking for, I understand it temporary. Honestly the 30’s is about as far as I’m willing to go, and I’m sure my life inevitably collapsing around me due to some unforeseen but avoidable issue will help me facilitate that. I just don’t want to die never having felt something that every human creation ever seems to tell me is integral to the human experience. I want to die knowing I’m not really that different from everyone else.
I too wonder if another person could “fill the void” in me as well, or if I would still be unhappy. When I try to imagine it, I don’t feel like I’d be “all better”.
It’s a lie fed by vulnerable people to even more vulnerable people. I’m convinced of that. There is no utopia, there is no panacea. The best you can hope for is to get what you want in pieces and hope that they eventually make a whole, because there isn’t a single easy answer to be found in the world.
I’m lying to myself and I can spell it out word for word but it doesn’t stop me from lying to myself about it. The angsty teenage twat in me won’t let it go lol
Out there in the world there is a “group” of people. This group can be 7 billion, 100,000 or 10. Just like a mountain comes to a point so do the values of the group move toward one central point. If you have some degree of association with that value you will move up in society in accordance with your degree of closeness to this value.
From Donald trump to Albert Einstein to you or I, we all — like every human who ever existed — we just woke up. We woke up and inhabited a body not of our own design. And for the first couple decades our programming was being written according to the unique circumstances of our particular environment.
All of these things will determine how we fair in the game of human mating and social interactions. Some will rise to the top through massive efforts, others will rise effortlessly. And sadly some will — as a result of their lack of sufficient value to attract the sort of human engagement which naturally produces in us feelings of happiness and contentment — some will simply fall into the black abyss of misery and hopelessness and die.
In death, all will disappear the same. And those remaining in life will sharpen their swords against the grit of regular human prejudice. And they will cut down those who stand close enough to threaten their advancement up the mountain and they will spit and roll rocks down on those they see down below and view as lowly and undeserving.