I am not suicidal anymore. Not in the sense people use that word. I no longer want to kill myself. I fantasize about it. But no, I no longer want to jump off or OD. Maybe it is because I realised I’m incapable of such a bold move. I am of weak constitution.
Off late, this feeling has gripped me that my time is limited. It has become my go-to excuse for anything.
“Oh, I’ll do later, and even if I don’t and something bad happens, I’ll just off myself.”
Thats my most though-off thought.
I feel like my boat is yet still hitched to someone/something in this world. An anchor, if you will, stopping me from floating away.
My sleep pattern has been erratic, if not downright fucked up.
What do you do? If you’re a ship, stuck in a storm, knowing that your anchor is the only one keeping you still? Strangely you do not know whether this world, or the next is better?
What do you do when dreams outweigh reality? When your your motive for waking tomorrow becomes elusive? What do you do when tomorrow becomes a threat ?
Slowly, I can’t imagine my future anymore. Earlier, way back, I could imagine myself, being succesful, whatever the fuck that means. But now, hell, consider my imagination good if I can tell you what I’ll be doing in a month.
When future keeps becoming distant, what do you do? When your future starts to slip away, what do you do?
Cheers.
1 comment
I find myself often conflicted in wondering what to do too…
I seem to always find myself distracted by hobbies instead, always finding something to do, not knowing if I can or even should do something more productive and if it even matters.
I seem to apparently be fading away into the background all the time with no one even caring what happens to me.
The only thing my dad seems to care about so far is having a job and that’s it, and I don’t even know why he wants me to have one, I don’t know what he expects me to dafterwars if anything at all…
I’m exhausted from working all the time and want a better job or at least a different one… I kind of want to do nothing like I used to actually. ^^;
I want to work in isolation on the computer or work with animals or something, not fast-paced super demanding retail with dirty stuff like dust everywhere…
But yeah, don’t worry, you’re not the only one lost in limbo, that’s pretty much my life too. :p