My scars represent how much of a coward I have been. I punished myself for things that weren’t my fault. I was scared and depressed, I didn’t know where to go. My sexuality meant that I couldn’t tell anybody and what I went through was some shit that would surely lead to bad rumors about me.
Cutting my skin felt good, to be honest. It didn’t hurt at all. In fact, I really loved the red blood seeping through the cuts. Red symbolized that I was actually LIVING, not a lifeless zombie. I was even quite smart at minimizing the scars, because I insisted on cutting the same spot over and over again, though that ensured leaving scars, to be honest.
Sometimes I still ponder cutting myself. The adrenaline gave me that thrill (however small it may have been) that life couldn’t give. Self-hatred and self-harm has played a huge part and defining who I am. Yes, I’m a coward who can’t stop thinking about harming myself. Fuck. I’ve never wanted to descend into a fucking black hole of depression I may never get out of.
3 comments
I can relate. I’ll have these scars for life, though I don’t really think about them anymore.
I think we hurt ourselves as a means of control. We want control in our life because everything is crumbling in our eyes. We convince ourselves that we are the villain in our own life and all our shortcommings are our foolish idiotic mistakes.
Whether its drugs/alcohol/cutting burning w.e. we want to feel alive and to punish the imaginary enemy we’ve made of ourselves. We want control of our misery and to deal with it on our terms.
it’s a long difficult road getting out of that mentality, but it always starts with the same question: Why? Why do i do this? What problem is this solving or avoiding and where did it start. Why can i not deal with these issues in a more healthy, adaptive way?
It’s been like cleaning up a nuclear site for me. Year after year it gets better and my coping strategies improve.
idk just sharing random thoughts i guess. sorry to bore you. i’m no therapist lol
Nah I really enjoyed reading your comment. I guess cutting does count as controlling some part of my life. Depressed people rarely get any chance to mold their life to a form they want, except when they’re cutting.
you enjoy cutting yourself? so what ?
everyone has weird hobbies. everyone does weird things. you shouldn’t stop doing things because of what people might think about it.
if it pleases you, do it.
you will meet someone like you one day, don’t worry.
I tried cutting myself once, it felt surprisingly good.