I’ve been self harming since 13(now 25) but with breaks.
I always thought it was hilarious how people(mainly family) would scourn me or try to ask my why I did since I possess attractiveness. (“But you’re a pretty girl”)
what the fuck did attractiveness ever do for us?! It drew more attention to me when I wished to disappear. It made people jealous of me and obsess over me, find me threatening to their ego. It made people hate me, fight me… subject me to their twisted games, manipulate and use me as a way of insighting jealousy in others. Or just plain use me and then discard when showing resistance.
And it doesn’t stop there I’ve been molested/raped too. I couldn’t maintain female friends and got on better with guys but quickly realised their interest was mostly in my availability. When I’d ask for professional help, they would deem my physical appearance absolves me from PTSD/BPD or any mental condition. Really it just seals the deal.
Given the chance to talk to everyone who has ridiculed mental health to me I would say ‘You want to give a person reasons to live tell them something better than that, get ya head out of society’s fake ass and consider the implications of reinforcing it’s toxic standards.’
And now they tell me it’s stupid to want to die, and I just don’t see that. It’s half innocent, it’s half wise.
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You’re channeling the ghost of my latest and greatest regret. Same age and sex, similar problem.
I won’t dwell on or speculate about your flesh-mortification in relation to your sexual abuse. Nabokov says that psychotherapists are basically rapists (Lolita is her favorite book). Just please transmute penance for perceived guilt into the resolve to live free of guilt and shame.
I sometimes also “joke” that there’s nothing wrong with me, I just want to kill myself. It’s a joke because when I sincerely and unequivocally tell my loved ones that I want to kill myself, they take it seriously by shutting down the conversation and refusing to listen.
But you’re probably right: being suicidal is half innocence and half wisdom. For me it falls under the rubric of liberation, cultivating a loony, lunar lucidity, die von der Gesellschaft immer weiter divergiert.
A question. How would you react if you knew there was someone who’s driving himself insane and posting stupid bullshit online, just because he wants to hang out one-on-one and learn your opinion about everything, with or without sex? How would you identify him, and would you even want that?
I am wary of people but it depends how he’s driving himself insane of if he just says he is for effect. I found unfortunately men are often impartial to using such tactics to bring attention to themselves, even just to trigger empathy which is a powerful tool to getting what they are really after (sorry if that sounds generalised but too often we (well-intentioned) females are coerced in such ways, which is damaging. If they want to just be friends then I guess cool but often when people involve drama directed at an acquaintances there’s some small print with giving your full attention. Recentlly I blocked a guy after he was texting me way too often offering mental health help/rides on his motorbike after I was just trying to be an acquaintance, that friendship group told me “he’s met a girl, now he thinks it’s all going to happen for him”. Instantly I was repulsed, HELL NO I thought I’m not dealing with this. I could feel the drama and expectation building up and after some adverse experiences I stay clear of these situations, even if it means I feel alone/lacking support. But this only happened after traumstic experiences, most recently having been in a relationship with a narcissistic person(helped me comes to clarify BPD diagnoses though which is an unexpected discovery). I’d say be careful, always question intentions and if you can meet them in a public place. Or in my case assume the worst and close the door.
Suicide is my only hope some days, because I see it as a form of liberation too. We are seen in society as just our bodies and our ability to reproduce and judged intensely but I find it such a relief to remember my body will be one with the dirt and my energy will dissapate into the atmosphere. Perhaps gods like Yahweh or Brahman exist but even just knowing the body is not a cage forever is a relief. I guess part of that is the trauma speaking but it’s some kind if logic too.
Sorry about your family, mine are not the most helpful either. It’s not good for anyone being unable to talk about what is on their mind. Often with avoidance of topics it mirrors their mentality towards themselves. Noone wants to hear their own thoughts about suicide let alone yours… kind of thinking. We deserve better. Why’d they drag us out if the void only to ignore out pleas to return… I’ll never understand.
Thanks. You give me a lot to think about.
The insanity I mean is a self-hating solipsism justified by increasingly irrational “big ideas.” The kind of destructive thought patterns that turns people into prophets or makes them kill themselves. I’m semi-consciously blurring the line between the walls closing in and my repulsing everyone.
Only one-on-one conversations in person have the space I desire. We both hate texting/social media and the only way I seem to be able to elicit a response is by morbid indulgence. It makes me feel so dirty and manipulative that I want to vomit. Sometimes I forget myself (no space to apologize).
The remarkable thing about her is that we both independently started similar self-liberation projects around the same time. I dramatically improved my methods last year and then got bored with no female influence, hence the double depression now. I desire cunnilingus but have no expectations (no space for this distinction). My main goal has always been to learn from her.
A mutual friend wants get rid of me because I say things he doesn’t agree with, even though I’m usually agreeing to a slightly modified version of his own opinion (no space for progress when you force the “dissenter” to defend irrelevant points). So I’m analyzed out of context, and the false doctrine that “I need her to fulfill a role and will get disappointed if she doesn’t” becomes true (no space for self-defense).
As much as I try to chill out, it feels like I have to wage information war against my own friends to somehow manage this bullshit and arrange a text message or group hangout 100 miles away (not enough space in either). I simply want her to say stuff in free conversation without interruption, distraction, or self-censorship.
The basic message I want to send is, “We should have sex, it’s not all-or-nothing, and you can safely refuse at any time.” How have men best communicated this in a way that makes you feel comfortable, and in what contexts? I’d offer her a hand massage if she ever self-consciously brought up the redness in a context with enough space for one.
Yes, I’m asking for dating advice on a suicide forum. Time to take more happy pills, as I sardonically call St. John’s Wort. Now I only want to kill myself 50% of the time, so it helps.
That really just shows how much value people place on attractiveness. The same way if you were rich they would say but you have so much money what could you be unhappy about. Money, fame, beauty these are things that raise you up the social heirarchy. They give you more opportunities, more advantages. Like you said though it will make people jealous and it will make people less sympathetic to your problems. People will just look at your life from their perspective and the thoughts will be of how successful and happy they think they would be if they had those advantages. It doesn’t matter what other people think though. How happy or grateful they think you should be, or how lucky they think you are to have whatever you have. All that ever really matters is whether or not it makes you happy. How you feel, what you think. Like hamlet said “there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” Yes people may value you for your beauty, but maybe to you that is very shallow and you want them to appreciate you for other reasons. I am kind of surprised that even when you sought professional help that they were so dismissive of your issues. I would have thought at that point at least they would have taken you more seriously.
Thanks for your comment. Yes I believe it’s a shallow reason to admire or think differently of someone, these days life has been taking its toll on me Im not looking of feeling my best. I feel there is that expectation that you should be some higher being if you are attractive. I think my point is it’s left me broken when yeah… others believe it’s one of those things that get’s you ahead. It takes more than it gives especially adding mental health to the equation. If anything you become subject to everyones ego, either threatening or others finding you a useful extension of theirs. With professional help they suck in this country, you have to fight to get help and when you do it’s not useful or… too late. I think with me they question the validity of my past trauma and my appearance is kinda hippy so they instantly pit me down the list with assumptions of drugs. Often they’ve said to me, we are dealing with more serious cases first but they are not listening. I gave up but had to ask for help recently again saying I think about suicide often but… I got refused help after waiting weeks for appointments and now they’ve sent me back to the first place (because of auicidal thoughts) where I found I was not gwtting the help I needed.
I live in the US I think mental health services are pretty bad here too. Mostly they just like to write prescriptions. Throw some antidepressants at you or some anxiety medication. But yea getting run around in circles and not being taken seriously when you are trying to get help. That must make it even worse. When you are depressed and suicidal its hard to even find the energy to try to get help. Or to even care about getting help. To make the effort and then not get any help probably just makes you even more depressed.
What you said in your original post about people using you. Sadly I think for the most part that is just human nature. People are selfish. You only really matter to other people if they want something from you. Or if you benefit them in some way.
Yeah you are right, I think people only care how you make them feel or… what purpose you serve to them. Human nature yay, keeping us all as the best version of ourselves… or not. I think the best people smile through it all and give as much happiness but they can’t keep it up forever.
Well I think the people that give a lot without getting much in return get frustrated and feel like they are getting used and taken advantage of. Like you said they can’t keep it up forever. Everything we do takes energy or effort or whatever and eventually they just run out of energy or get tired of wasting energy on things or people that are not benefiting them. I think people always have the expectation or at least the hope that the energy they put into making other people happy will be reciprocated. That if you put effort into making other people happy they will in turn put effort into trying to make you happy. A lot of times it doesn’t work that way. They just take whatever you are willing to give and feel no obligation to do anything for you in return. Or you have people like the guy you mentioned in your other comment. That is always offering to do things for you or help you in whatever ways. But they are really just trying to make you feel indebted to them like hey i do all this stuff for you, now you owe me. Trying to build up the debt to almost guilt you into a relationship or something lol. I dunno it almost feels like everything becomes a transaction. Like anything we do for people we are just trying to build up credit for future favors from them or pay off whatever they did for us in the past so they might do more for us in the future lol
Could you please explain more about what demonstrates genuine caritas vs. the debt-guilt complex? Sometimes women greatly motivate me, but it’s more that I get to think about them as I accomplish feats, not that they have to match/reward my effort in any way besides perhaps existing.
The feats themselves are usually things I already wanted to do because I know they’re good for me, but are too labor-intensive to do for my plain old self. Even if it’s for the woman’s direct benefit (e.g., handmade gifts), I do it because it expands my horizons in some way.
Also, how do you feel about the knowledge imbalance of mismatched social media use? I always test the assumptions I glean from her artwork against her actual behavior, and don’t confuse the online sadgirl with the physical woman even if they use the same tropes. My own stuff is consolidated and available, the voice proxied through technical minutae.