(Yeah it’s cheesy but it’s also really catchy and almost related to the topic, so hey)
kinda piggy backing off of my babbling from last night, I’m curious to know what people feel are the causes of their own loneliness. Is it them? Is it society? Biology? None of these things? Or just not sure? For example when it comes to myself I’m fully aware that I’m causing this, mostly by not trusting people, being distant and closed, and very likely having unrealistic standards. I’m pretty cynical and nihilistic, but I’m absolutely aware that I’m in control of my own status, and any shortcomings I’m experiencing are due to my own refusal to take initiative. Despite how edgy I am about this topic, I do realistically see it as a temporary thing that I’m fully capable of surmounting. I know not everyone is/was in the same condition as me; I’d expect most aren’t. What’s going on with the rest of you?
(This is pretty much directed to everyone who is single and wishes to be in a relationship)
11 comments
“Is it them? Is it society? Biology? None of these things?”
For me, it’s a perfect storm of undesirable looks, abysmal social skills that never had the chance to develop, and incompatibility with the prevailing culture that values traits that I don’t possess — extroversion, charisma, humor, social dominance, etc. Some people are just a terrible fit for the culture into which they were born, and their lack of success in romance and other areas reflect this.
I can relate to the society aspect of this pretty hard. At the same time, do you think you might be selling society’s vastness a bit short? I still kind of hold this “society wasn’t meant for me, and I wasn’t meant for society” mentality, but I don’t think it’s totally realistic. For example, I live in the United States and grew up in a big city in the Midwest. For most of my life “society,” and the broader generalization of the world came from a mold exclusive to a specific pinpoint on the planet. As an example inside an example, I just kind of assumed growing up that the broader country was left wing and Democrat, and the right wing and Republican areas were minorities who held more institutional power, only because this applies to my city. In other parts of the country you have the opposire side of the coin, with small towns who see themselves as the righteous majority and the democrats as fhe institution. To make a convoluted example concise, the world is bigger than we think, and even if broader society isn’t your thing, maybe there’s a subculture that you connect with? I’m like you, surrounded by people who are so drastically different from me, and with whom connection of any meaningful kind is impossible. But I’m leaving that environment soon, and I’ve got a chance to see what other people and values are out there. I may be disappointed, but at least it’ll be a different disappointment.
Sorry for the awful spelling; 15 minute work break and no time to spellcheck lol
Even subcultures that traditionally served as refuges for social outcasts — such as the gaming and anime communities — were eventually overtaken by “normies” who subsequently drove low-status males out of their own groups. I have witnessed this on numerous occasions. And because females have always represented a minuscule minority within these subcultures, any male wishing to attract women through similar interests will be up against an unreal amount of competition. Typically, the few women in these groups will gravitate to the most socially-dominant males, possibly befriend males on the next rung down, and be sure to ignore/ridicule those at the bottom of the social hierarchy. This scenario has played out in every mainstream and non-mainstream subculture that I have ever been involved with over the years, and is influenced by the broader, macro-level culture that emphasizes competition over cooperation… extroversion over introversion… cliquishness over inclusion… and endless drama over group cohesion. Some people like Donald Trump thrive in such an environment, but I would do better in other cultures — past and present — that are less hostile towards people like me.
Well, i’m not single at the moment but it’s very new and pretty much the first time. For me it’s mostly a sturdy amount of psychological maladjustment. Didn’t grow up right. Didn’t learn the right things. Made many mistakes in life and now have so much mental baggage and self-dislike that moving forward socially is difficult. This is locked in place on the opposite side by a general absurdist view of reality and general dislike of people.
In other words, the program wasn’t installed correctly; i’ve tried multiple times to reinstall and clear the computer of viruses, and I hate this game anyway.
I feel that. I have the opposite, really. I’m very good at talking to people, I just really hate doing it. I get the feeling I had the same absurdist view as you did, only I worked the machine while you rejected it. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you break free of that? Or was it just luck?
Break free of what? I agree most people, like you, opted to game the system but I can’t do that. I hate it. I hate sociopathy. I hate that twisted labyrinth of who’s lying and who’s exploiting who. It’s madness. I like peace.
I’ve been married for 30 years and I’m lonely. I’ve always been that way. I can be at a party and I’m still in my own head.
If you don’t mind me asking, did the love fade, was it never there, or is it not enough on its own? I’d imagine it’s similar explaining how one can be lonely with friends to someone who never had them, from your point of view.
The love has lasted. It’s just that I have always been alone. I’m alone in a roomful of friends.
The ubiquitous insecurity of human civilization.