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What do you do..?

by groovymonkei

What do you do when you can’t feel anything?

Just emptiness, numbness… I can’t do anything.  I’m suicidal. Ive tried so many times. I tried to get better. I stopped taking antidepressants for 2 months now. I didn’t want to depend on it anymore. It’s hard because these voices, thoughts of myself hanging myself, jumping off a cliff, and overdosing on pills, drinking to death. It’s all I see and hear. It really takes over and it hurts to the point where I just can’t feel anymore.. I can’t talk. It’s tiring. I’m at work, and my bosses daughter tried to make me smile and laugh. It hurts because I’m really really dying inside.

so what do I do? Someone help. deep down I’m scared hat will happen

I need a drink because I can feel my anxiety coming

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5 comments

Casino96 7/22/2018 - 9:37 am

I’m pretty much there all the time. The only thing that snaps me out, even if only for a second, is playing guitar, like, REALLY loud and screaming when I’m in the house by myself. I listen to vinyls a lot, which has been a spending habit keeping me busy and my mind occupied, but it only works sometimes; most of the time my records just keep me at baseline when they’re spinning. But that’s just me and my own situation, since I’d literally be dead for maybe half a decade I I didn’t get GH5 for Christmas 9 years ago, and if I never found my acoustic guitar in the basement. I got lucky and discovered a passion I didn’t know I had, and at my worst moments, when I had nothing else, it kept me holding on because it reminded me that I have an indisputable value in something, and that maybe I can channel all of this bad into something productive, and that maybe my ideas, interests and existence all have purpose, and that I can do something that means something with a talent like this, even if it’s a long shot. A long shot is better than nothing. After all, I’m used to failure. I cope with things by waiting for them to crash down around me and gathering the pieces after. When the game over screen flashes I won’t keep myself or anyone else’ waiting, but I at least wanna see the score I get before I run out of lives.

indigochyle 7/22/2018 - 11:24 am

I’m there with you….find the distractions like ^^^ above…I don’t have many distractions because I can’t concentrate at all, I’m in a panic about no job too….I’m off meds that I was on for a long time and the thing is…what brought us to meds never went away, even if you did things “in combination with talk therapy”. I’m learning to reprogram my brain and it is a long, painful, detached progress. If you choose to do the same, it will be long painful and detached (numb). There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have my same thoughts of being better off dead. But I figure, well, I’ve had these for many many years now….I never thought I’d be as old as I am, we are all going to die anyhow soon enough…but I’m living for a son right now, no idea what living for myself will look like in the future, or if I even will be able to do that, but I’m resolved in the moment to not cause more chaos in his life….I’ve walked and walked and walked and walked. I’ve probably walked 100 miles in a month. Walking somehow relaxes me. Being numb is part of the process. Numb with meds, numb without.

Casino96 7/22/2018 - 11:55 am

That was the other thing; due to my own stupidity, I screwed up with my insurance and couldn’t get my medication. I’ve been without it for maybe half a year, and after my appointment on a few days ago I’ll be able to get them back in September. I’ve come within a breath of relapsing and shredding my arm up like I used to a few years ago, but loud music and my amplifier eventually helped me calm down. I thought I’d be fine without the mess after a few weeks, and I was, but everything just started spinning gradually downward, and then faster and faster. If you ask me, you’re probably going to need something to “take the place” of the medication, in an oversimplified kind of way. Everyone’s different though. I could be projecting.

Casino96 7/22/2018 - 11:56 am

*meds

EmptyPluto 7/22/2018 - 1:59 pm

Deep breath, deep breath. Don’t think. You won’t be afraid.

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