What do you do..?

I’m pretty much there all the time. The only thing that snaps me out, even if only for a second, is playing guitar, like, REALLY loud and screaming when I’m in the house by myself. I listen to vinyls a lot, which has been a spending habit keeping me busy and my mind occupied, but it only works sometimes; most of the time my records just keep me at baseline when they’re spinning. But that’s just me and my own situation, since I’d literally be dead for maybe half a decade I I didn’t get GH5 for Christmas 9 years ago, and if I never found my acoustic guitar in the basement. I got lucky and discovered a passion I didn’t know I had, and at my worst moments, when I had nothing else, it kept me holding on because it reminded me that I have an indisputable value in something, and that maybe I can channel all of this bad into something productive, and that maybe my ideas, interests and existence all have purpose, and that I can do something that means something with a talent like this, even if it’s a long shot. A long shot is better than nothing. After all, I’m used to failure. I cope with things by waiting for them to crash down around me and gathering the pieces after. When the game over screen flashes I won’t keep myself or anyone else’ waiting, but I at least wanna see the score I get before I run out of lives.

That was the other thing; due to my own stupidity, I screwed up with my insurance and couldn’t get my medication. I’ve been without it for maybe half a year, and after my appointment on a few days ago I’ll be able to get them back in September. I’ve come within a breath of relapsing and shredding my arm up like I used to a few years ago, but loud music and my amplifier eventually helped me calm down. I thought I’d be fine without the mess after a few weeks, and I was, but everything just started spinning gradually downward, and then faster and faster. If you ask me, you’re probably going to need something to “take the place” of the medication, in an oversimplified kind of way. Everyone’s different though. I could be projecting.