I just had a complete break down it front of my mirror at 4:19 am.
I got home drunk, as usual, and just stared at my naked body.
God, I hated it. I was so disappointed in myself.
How did I let myself get this way? So.. fat?
My body didn’t make any sense. It didn’t look like me. I was so scared.
No one will like me now, at least I had a body back then, but now… fuck.
I ruined my make up, wiped it off, took another look, and put my clothes back on. I couldn’t look anymore…
I am so ugly. That’s all I can think about anymore.
Every day, I wake up and try to stay as long as I can in bed so I don’t eat. It never works. I love food too much, what can I say?
Burgers, loaded fries, pizza. All of it. I crave it.
I’m only 145 pounds and I feel like 200. I’m losing it again.
My will.
I have to stop. Please give me the will to stop.
God, why do I always sound crazy?
8 comments
You don’t sound crazy, many people have gone through what you’re going through. Body image issues, and related eating issues, are awful and can hit anyone. Usually when we constantly crave food like that it’s because we want to find relief from something else, financial issues, relationships, sometimes depression etc. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but every time you begin craving all those foods, think about how you want to feel about your body and how you want it to look. It’s short-term relief versus long-term gain.
It’s a good policy to restrict your intake of food like pizza, hamburgers, fries to once a week. And I’m most definitely not condoning starving yourself, as I’m sure you know, there are yummy food that are still healthy. Certain pasta dishes, fish, chicken, vegetarian dishes are all healthy and yummy. Add exercise with somewhat healthy eating and you can easily kick body-image issues’ butt. You just need to start making it a habit, take it day by day. And like you said yourself, 145 pounds isn’t a lot, so you can turn this around quickly if you’re unsatisfied with how you’re looking.
Very good advice SadPotato. I made the gradual switch from calorie dense food to healthy over a period of several years. I don’t miss that old stuff a bit. I take a walk every day and do little things like park the car at the lots edge and walk to the store or even skip the car altogether when I can. This transition also took awhile. I now prefer the feeling of my own body walking to the feeling of cars with best of rides.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m going to try harder. I just don’t believe in myself anymore.
145 is not fat… I obviously have never seen you, but I bet you look really good. I would much rather date/sleep with a 145 lb girl than a skinny one with no curves. I know it’s all in the eye of the beholder and we can be so tough on ourselves.. But I think you are being too critical of yourself. People of just about all shapes and sizes are attractive to someone. Try nit to get too hung up on looks. I’m no Brad Pitt or anything by any means.. But my looks are the least of my worries. There is so much else that contributes more to me being a loser and feeling suicidal.
This is very true. Yes, 145 could look very good on the OP. IMHO, and please forgive me if this too personal, skinny women look good until the clothes start coming off, women with a bit of meat on the bones look better as the clothes start coming off.
But either fat or skinny, there is just so so so much more that defines us than body image.
It just doesn’t look right on me… I wasn’t built for this body. I look like someone else, but thank you for the reassurance. (:
145? I don’t know, girls are usually shorter so I guess that is a little chubby. I had a different problem: I am 6″2 (I’m male) and I was just some 155 lbs a year ago, no matter how much I ate I was always the same weight, always skinny. Was always ashamed of myself. Then started working out almost every day and weight just started coming, now at nice 190 lbs, will keep it here for a little bit. So, from my experience, it’s not always about how much do you eat, start working out (if you don’t do it already). You can’t just be starving yourself, and no, sleeping a lot isn’t the answer, just start running, you will love it. Motivation: you think what are others now doing when you are in pain, they are chilling somewhere, you could also be doing that but you don’t wan to be on that level, you don’t want to be the average. Take some track for example, a fixed length, and measure your running time. And then compare the progress, it should be visible within a week already, I’m sure. And also think about how would you peers react when they see you in the shape in a month or two.
And about overeating, try to distance yourself from your body, from your brain: when you see some cake or sth that is attracting you, just tell to yourself: “I’m noticing an urge for this, my body wants me to consume it although I know I don’t want to do that. So then, I won’t do that, I won’t let my brain controls me.” … it works
So please start running, it may be painful but when you see the progress you will love it 😉
Thank you so much! I am going to start working out. I’ve wanted to for awhile, but I dont want to go to the gym because people will me staring at my fat jiggle. Also, I can’t run for very long I have lbp and anemia. I tend to black out if I over exert is what those mean basically. But thank you anyway.