Do you sometimes feel like you’re something or nothing? Do you matter or you don’t?
Do you feel like if you have everything it’s like you have nothing?
Maybe im just ungrateful, but it doesnt matter how many times i replay it in my head
“you have transportation”
“you have a home”
“you have a job”
“you have your health”
“you’re young”
i still feel like the most worthless piece of garbage to exist on this dirt clod. My insides are hollow. except for the demonic rage and hatred i have against myself.
and since i dont matter to myself no one else gives a shit about me for very long.
but to answer your question yes. go back and forth between thank god to god please kill me
@agentq I can actually feel your anger and frustration. I visualize you behind a barred door. Very tense arms and shoulders. Clenching your jaws. Damn. That was strange. Are you okay!
Imagine you’ve been sent to prison for no reason. you’re just there. year after year you become accustomed to the violence, lonliness and hopelessness. after so long you snap a bit internally. to maintain stability you dive into your mind, escape there.
after a while the door swings open and you’re told. “sorry you’ve been found not guilty”
but by then you’re sitting in the corner of that damp cell twisting around in the horrible things your mind has seen and the fantasies you’ve created to escape them.
I don’t have to be here. but it is genuinely difficult to let go of self-loathing. i mean i’ve flipped cars and smashed my head against the concrete, poured boiling water on myself etc.
cause when i look at these scars and i think of all the darkness in my memories and how it never had to happen i just cant stand it.
regrettably the way i learned to respond to failure and hardship is to abuse myself. and by abusing myself i make myself stronger and more resistant to pain but also i destroy myself. so the very habits i used to escape my apathy and give me drive are also the habits which place me on the path of destruction
i was in a relationship recently (my first ever) and when that ended due to my issues my immediate reaction was the same as always (the inner child in my mind vacillating between harming myself or shifting the blame to the person who rejected me and attacking them [emotionally])
i didnt though. and i didn’t let go of the steering wheel or beat myself with pvc pipe. i just cried and tried to understand why i make myself miserable.
there’s still much radioactive material left but im getting there. im willing to try if it means one day i can love someone like i felt for just a little while there.
Like Lifelong said above – I too feel worthless constantly ….. because I so 99 percent am worthless. Jesus hates me this I know …. for the Bible tells me so …. other ones oh I do harm …. they are weak, but he is strong. Yes, Jesus hates me …. yes, Jesus hates me ….. yes, Jesus hates me, for the Bible tells me so. I sing this in my head all day long every day ….. I’ll be lucky to sit on the perch between heaven and hell, not enjoying heaven but not in hell either. Alone, polishing one of the gate pearls … alone … forever. Maybe once every thousand years I’ll be allowed to enter the gates for a few hours to see people and family I knew then out again to my forever polishing job.
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I sometimes feel like I’m nothing, I don’t matter but I do have plenty. Maybe not of the right stuff, but it’s there.
Maybe im just ungrateful, but it doesnt matter how many times i replay it in my head
“you have transportation”
“you have a home”
“you have a job”
“you have your health”
“you’re young”
i still feel like the most worthless piece of garbage to exist on this dirt clod. My insides are hollow. except for the demonic rage and hatred i have against myself.
and since i dont matter to myself no one else gives a shit about me for very long.
but to answer your question yes. go back and forth between thank god to god please kill me
@agentq I can actually feel your anger and frustration. I visualize you behind a barred door. Very tense arms and shoulders. Clenching your jaws. Damn. That was strange. Are you okay!
Imagine you’ve been sent to prison for no reason. you’re just there. year after year you become accustomed to the violence, lonliness and hopelessness. after so long you snap a bit internally. to maintain stability you dive into your mind, escape there.
after a while the door swings open and you’re told. “sorry you’ve been found not guilty”
but by then you’re sitting in the corner of that damp cell twisting around in the horrible things your mind has seen and the fantasies you’ve created to escape them.
I don’t have to be here. but it is genuinely difficult to let go of self-loathing. i mean i’ve flipped cars and smashed my head against the concrete, poured boiling water on myself etc.
cause when i look at these scars and i think of all the darkness in my memories and how it never had to happen i just cant stand it.
regrettably the way i learned to respond to failure and hardship is to abuse myself. and by abusing myself i make myself stronger and more resistant to pain but also i destroy myself. so the very habits i used to escape my apathy and give me drive are also the habits which place me on the path of destruction
i was in a relationship recently (my first ever) and when that ended due to my issues my immediate reaction was the same as always (the inner child in my mind vacillating between harming myself or shifting the blame to the person who rejected me and attacking them [emotionally])
i didnt though. and i didn’t let go of the steering wheel or beat myself with pvc pipe. i just cried and tried to understand why i make myself miserable.
there’s still much radioactive material left but im getting there. im willing to try if it means one day i can love someone like i felt for just a little while there.
and sorry to hulk for being off topic.
I constantly feel worthless, because I mostly am.
Having doesn’t mean happiness.
Like Lifelong said above – I too feel worthless constantly ….. because I so 99 percent am worthless. Jesus hates me this I know …. for the Bible tells me so …. other ones oh I do harm …. they are weak, but he is strong. Yes, Jesus hates me …. yes, Jesus hates me ….. yes, Jesus hates me, for the Bible tells me so. I sing this in my head all day long every day ….. I’ll be lucky to sit on the perch between heaven and hell, not enjoying heaven but not in hell either. Alone, polishing one of the gate pearls … alone … forever. Maybe once every thousand years I’ll be allowed to enter the gates for a few hours to see people and family I knew then out again to my forever polishing job.