i promised my partner to keep trying to make a better life for myself. i have been planning to go to residential treatment to work on my eating disorder. but i just feel like giving up. i’m staying afloat for another couple months, then who knows. i don’t want to upset people by dying, but my life is going nowhere. it feels like my whole life has been leading up to my death. it’s not that i really want to die, i just am not good at life. i never have been. i don’t know if i just came out broken, i’d my childhood broke me, or if i’m just, a bad person. i’m just unqualified for a fulfilled adult life, and at this point, i don’t even really want to/think i could do the work to improve my situation. i dunno. i haven’t slept all night. this is normal.
ive been biding my time. the good things in my life have delayed the inevitable. i don’t know when it’s coming but soon. i just hope i have the courage to do it, sometime after my birthday. i have reasons for delaying it until then that i don’t want to go into.
ive tried to go before, and each time i guess i didn’t have my full heart in it. now, when i think about it, i don’t have the apprehension i used to. cuz i’ve lost people, and i know people care. but i would rather go now than inevitably alienate everyone and be truly alone. that is the true pattern of my life.
ill post here again soon, make a more cogent post.
keep on keeping on, friends.
1 comment
Your post resonates with me, I’m no good at life either and at this stage I dunno if I can even be bothered to try.