can’t sleep

i promised my partner to keep trying to make a better life for myself.  i have been planning to go to residential treatment to work on my eating disorder.  but i just feel like giving up.  i’m staying afloat for another couple months, then who knows.  i don’t want to upset people by dying, but my life is going nowhere.  it feels like my whole life has been leading up to my death.  it’s not that i really want to die, i just am not good at life.  i never have been. i don’t know if i just came out broken, i’d my childhood broke me, or if i’m just, a bad person.  i’m just unqualified for a fulfilled adult life, and at this point, i don’t even really want to/think i could do the work to improve my situation.  i dunno. i haven’t slept all night.  this is normal.

ive been biding my time.  the good things in my life have delayed the inevitable.  i don’t know when it’s coming but soon. i just hope i have the courage to do it, sometime after my birthday.  i have reasons for delaying it until then that i don’t want to go into.

ive tried to go before, and each time i guess i didn’t have my full heart in it.  now, when i think about it, i don’t have the apprehension i used to.  cuz i’ve lost people, and i know people care.  but i would rather go now than inevitably alienate everyone and be truly alone.  that is the true pattern of my life.

ill post here again soon, make a more cogent post.

keep on keeping on, friends.