I can hardly get my fingers to type…

  August 31st, 2018 by bojangs

My eyes water as I type.  I keep going back and forth.  I wanna get this out because I can’t share it with people I know.  The shame.  The embarrassment . The feeling of being a lie and knowing I’m just a failure again… I can’t.  I have to hold it in.  I have to hide until sadness fades.  I have to remember I have an image to uphold.  I’m the happy guy… the positive one.  I can’t be here.

But I am.  And all I want is to do is cease.  Cease being present.  Cease being required to keep trying when nothing ever seems to ever get better.  Cease knowing that I am not enough.  Cease having to be “the lie”.

I don’t want to kill myself, although in these moments I wish I had the courage to do it.  I’m too scared though.  I think about my family.  I think about those who think of me in great regard or favor.  I imagine all those faces crying and missing me and wanting to have been there to stop me.  All of the would never see it coming.  If only I could just click a button and be gone forever.  Why does it have to be such a complicated decision?  Why can’t I just die without having to kill myself?  Why can’t it be simple?  Do you want to die?  Yes.  *POOF!*  Cease.

My fingers are moving a lot more now.  This is easier when you get going.  This pool of snot and tears is unappealing, but I think I’m in a groove now.

I can hear my wife in the other room watching TV.  She suffers from depression.  She’s been diagnosed.  I suffer from depression, but have never been diagnosed.  I never feel more depressed than when she’s struggling with it and I don’t know what to do to help her, and she ends up attacking me verbally.  I try so hard sometimes.  It hurts so bad to hear her say those things.  I just to love her.  I just want to comfort her.  I just want her to know it’s going to be alright, and that I’m here.  All I get is the past thrown at me.  Or better, I get told that the efforts I’m making aren’t good enough.  She can’t even recognize that I’m making an effort!!  What the hell do you want me to do??? I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!! I’m a fucking human, just like you!  How am I never good enough?

After these moments I sink into my depression.  It devours me.  I can’t of anything other than how shitty I must be that I can never get it right.  What am I missing?  If only I could figure it out.  If only someone could just show me how to do it.  I am so willing.  I just want to know how to do it.  I just want to be a good husband.  A good man.

I heard something about helium.  It sounds like a palatable option compared to the gun.  I’ve been trying to sell a gun the last few weeks.  The reason?  My wife and I both talk about using on ourselves.  She uses it to get attention.  I don’t really talk about it.  Just made a comment one time.  I look at it though.  All the time.  I look at it like it’s going to be the last thing I ever need to get acquainted with.  Then I go back to thinking about all those people who would never see it coming.  But helium.  Maybe I could helium.  I need to learn more about helium.

I can hear my wife crying in the living room now.  I know she’s crying because we are so disconnected.  A few yards apart has never felt more like a thousand miles than when I’m in this place.  It’s the most dreadful thing ever.  I hate the way it feels.  I HATE IT SO FUCKING BAD.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to love and for it to be known that I’m loving.  That’s all I want to do.

She thinks I’m going to leave her.  She says it all the time when she’s in her depression.  It hurts me.  She deserves to be loved, but she can’t accept it.  I’ve tried.  She doesn’t believe she’s lovable.  I just sit here in my futile efforts pressing and pressing, hoping she’ll see it one day.  YOU’RE LOVABLE!!

How do two people suffering like this get past the darkness?  It just feels like it gets darker and darker.  I can hear her getting hysterical now.  I want help.  So badly.  I know if I go over there she’ll snap on me.  I fucking hate it.  She’s crying out to be loved and looking for help, but the only she knows how to do is hurt.  Why can’t you love me back when I’m trying to love you?  WHY?

I need to go…  I can hear her hitting walls and being destructive.  I’m afraid.  All we do in these moments is push each other further and further.  I’m so scared one of us is going to hurt the other.  I hate leaving the house though because them I’m “abandoning” her.  I wish you could hear this.  I’m so fucking scared.  I just want to go away and not have to deal with this.  I just want to go away.

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