So long story short, I grew up in foster care. By 2 I had experienced satanic ritual abuse, rape and my grandmother even pointed a gun at my head (I still remember this) my sister’s had the same thing happen. My father was at war and my mother was dying of cancer. My brother was evil.
By 4 she was dead and my father was no longer happy and loving he was cold from tour after tour in the middle East. My stepmother was even worse. She was cold, hateful and hated me because my mother stole her first husband. She wanted daughters and got me. She was paranoid, delusional and schizophrenic and tried to live in this alt-world where Nicholas Sparks and juicy drama reigned supreme. Literally everyone in the neighborhood wrote a letter and taped it to our doorway stating she was a worthless drama queen and they would try to get us out of the neighborhood if she did not quite (military base)
She took it all out on me. I tried to kill myself so much that they finally disowned me because of the financial burden it was costing them (they were upper middle class 75K a year, but even that wears thin when you have a woman like that declaring war on the neighborhood (legal fees) and driving the kids insane (literally).
Beyond that, I went into foster care and saw kids get beaten raped murdered and tortured. I saw kids who jumped out of windows and ran off with twisted ankles versus stay in the so called “safe and friendly family like environments.
I made a name for myself over the previous year or so networking with judges, lawyers and politicians and advocating for foster youth. I have a congressional internship scheduled for January and I also have a book deal in the works, but beyond all of that ….
I am in a place where I can stay for $150 a month and all utilities are paid but the contract I signed said I had to be productive. Which I am…
I got 12k + in financial aid grants, the internship, the deal, I got in honors academy and I am working 40 he’s. A week at a staffing agency for manual labor.
Despite this, the program director claims it is ‘not productive enough’
He has a crush on the girls here and I took one of them out on a. few dates and he had the audacity to ask why.
Why? I’m not 3 decades older than them.
I also think he just sees me as a kind of cash cow. I made 1.5k a week straight out of high school which convinced him I can make more…. Now he wants me to quit so I can work somewhere with higher pay even more hours.
Meanwhile everyone else just compliments me on my potential and say things like “you’ll be a great public figure” “you’re very charismatic” that I’m charming, interesting that I have plenty of potential to “contribute to society” when the society has tortured me since birth….
No one sees how much pain I am in. I want to just disappear… I want to do what Christopher McCandless did.
I just want to die.
6 comments
This sounds unbearable. As long as you are alive you have options, change might not happen instantly but is there some way you can take some job interviews in another place, find a better living arrangement. You are a free human bean. That older person sounds like he’s using you!! 40 hours is a lot. And what a creep that guy is, you deserve love don’t let anyone dissuade you from that especially not creepy jelous old men. If you find a good partner and are good together maybe you can help each other get a better life. TBH it sounds like being away from that user is a good move. Sorry noone has the power to change the past, we just keep moving forward but one day we will be released from the pain but maybe on our way there we can fix some of the pain, helping others and learning what makes us happy.
Thx.
That’s the only thing that keeps me going. I know that I have the opportunity to make things easier for Homeless children and I do not want to miss it, because no one was ever there for me so I know there’s no one there for them.
This is really good! you haven’t let life take your good nature. I like the comment below too, do things you love to do. Manual labour can’t really be feeding your soul or happiness… do what gives you happiness and life purpose(doesn’t have to be potential or aeen as useful). Abuse is hard to come back from… and some people will understand but not have gone through the same things exactly. So you might feel there’s a gap in understanding but this is okay. The best people will try their best to understand.
I agree. I decided to move into a hostel. I will stay there for 4 months before transferring to university. Thanks for the advice. If you ever need anything -even just someone to talk to, you can reach me at jackmanson64646@gmail.com
You had an awful childhood, an awful life. Society treated you like crap. I experienced child abuse, though nothing like the pain that you had. So I say all this from the perspective of someone who is tired of people telling me useless things. Youre clearly successful, and have potential, but it’s like you say, what use is that in a society like this? Everyday hurts, everything hurts. I hurt a lot right now, I wish I could disappear so badly, I die of shame, I hate myself. I can’t imagine how you must feel. But I can sympathise, or think I can.
Forget your potential, that is so irrelevant. Forget everything that you ‘can do’ and instead do things that feel good, things you want to do. Otherwise of course you’ll want to die. I’m trying to work out what I want, I’m trying to forget all the expectations society has for me. I hope the best of all of that for you. You have the potential to be happy, I BELIEVE that, despite mine and your current state. You have been through so much pain, other people will never understand it. I will never understand the magnitude of your pain. But I wish you the best in making the most of your life. Forget the potential, forget the other people. Find something that makes life worth living.
That is probably the only meaningful thing I have ever heard. Thank you.
Do you mind messaging me?