I feel so much pain and so cold my heart is like a 5° icebox pumping acid through my veins

  August 23rd, 2018 by Five Degrees

So long story short, I grew up in foster care. By 2 I had experienced satanic ritual abuse, rape and my grandmother even pointed a gun at my head (I still remember this) my sister’s had the same thing happen. My father was at war and my mother was dying of cancer. My brother was evil.


By 4 she was dead and my father was no longer happy and loving he was cold from tour after tour in the middle East. My stepmother was even worse. She was cold, hateful and hated me because my mother stole her first husband. She wanted daughters and got me. She was paranoid, delusional and schizophrenic and tried to live in this alt-world where Nicholas Sparks and juicy drama reigned supreme. Literally everyone in the neighborhood wrote a letter and taped it to our doorway stating she was a worthless drama queen and they would try to get us out of the neighborhood if she did not quite (military base)

She took it all out on me. I tried to kill myself so much that they finally disowned me because of the financial burden it was costing them (they were upper middle class 75K a year, but even that wears thin when you have a woman like that declaring war on the neighborhood (legal fees)  and driving the kids insane (literally).

Beyond that, I went into foster care and saw kids get beaten raped murdered and tortured. I saw kids who jumped out of windows and ran off with twisted ankles versus stay in the so called “safe and friendly family like environments.


I made a name for myself over the previous year or so networking with judges, lawyers and politicians and advocating for foster youth. I have a congressional internship scheduled for January and I also have a book deal in the works, but beyond all of that ….

I am in a place where I can stay for $150 a month and all utilities are paid but the contract I signed said I had to be productive. Which I am…

I got 12k + in financial aid grants, the internship, the deal, I got in honors academy and I am working 40 he’s. A week at a staffing agency for manual labor.

Despite this, the program director claims it is ‘not productive enough’

He has a crush on the girls here and I took one of them out on a. few dates and he had the audacity to ask why.

Why? I’m not 3 decades older than them.

I also think he just sees me as a kind of cash cow. I made 1.5k a week straight out of high school which convinced him I can make more…. Now he wants me to quit so I can work somewhere with higher pay even more hours.

Meanwhile everyone else just compliments me on my potential and say things like “you’ll be a great public figure” “you’re very charismatic” that I’m charming, interesting that I have plenty of potential to “contribute to society” when the society has tortured me since birth….

No one sees how much pain I am in. I want to just disappear… I want to do what Christopher McCandless did.

I just want to die.


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