sorry mom.

first I want to say that the comments you let on my last post made me feel a bit better so thank you.

Today I went to the cinema with my ex-stepdad cause we are still kinda of close, well he asks me once every 6 months if I want to do hang out, and I, of course, say yes cause I still want to see him but every time he asks me I still have this little voice telling me “you’re mad at him for what he did to you and mom, so stop hanging out with him”. Anyway so we went to the cinema and it was the second time for us doing this but this time it was even more strange than the first time cause even tho we spoke about stuff that doesn’t really matter, there were those little blank moments where neither of us said anything, and I know that both of us want to ask questions about how we are since the separation and I know he wants to ask questions about mom but those questions stay inside of us…
After the movie, he brought me home which was his too before, and when I wanted to tell him goodbye he got out of the car and say “I’ll say hi to your mom”, in my head I knew it was a bad idea but I just said “okay.” so we went in and he walks to the living room where my mom was, and I saw the look on her face, it was full of hate. So he said hi, my mom replied then there was a silent moment where all three of us looked at the tv and 30 seconds later my ex-stepdad hugged me saying bye and told goodbye to my mom but she didn’t reply and so he left. After that, I went to my room to take off my shoes and when I got back to the living room I saw my mom trying to hide once again her tears, I don’t know if you ever had to see your mom crying and feel the pain inside of you that makes you die a little more everytime you see it but for one year now I have to feel that a lot, and I usually in those moments go to my room and try to think about something else which I did. After 30 minutes I stopped my music cause I heard strange noises when I’ve realized it was my mom crying herself out, I just couldn’t and cried all I could too.
I still have a little bit of luck and have an amazing best friend who knows me so well that she sent me a message asking me if I was okay at first I lied and said “yes don’t worry boo” but she knows me and so she told me that I could tell her everything so she comforted me and I’m so glad to have her in my life.
But even if I have her, I have to face this alone, it’s 2:20 am right now and as I’m writing this I still can hear my mom crying and this breaks my heart, and I know that I’m not a good daughter cause I’m here writing while she’s in the room beside me crying but I don’t know what to do in those moments I know it’s selfish of me and I hate myself for that but I don’t want to go there cause I know I’m going to cry too and I don’t want to.
And mom even tho you won’t see this I am so sorry I wish I could remove all the pain you have and make you happy again. I love you.

Thanks for reading I guess…