Im scared

  August 11th, 2018 by iReallyAmTrying

I’m not lost but I don’t know where I am.
I’m not sure if I can’t but I don’t think I can.
I don’t want to be here, yet here I am.

I’m feeling terribly alone. Lonely really. I’m the strong person. Everyon depends on me. Everyone thinks I always have the right thing to say. On the outside and in my professional life, my personal circle, I’m larger than life. In real life, in my skin I I’m drowning. I’m scared. I’m anxious all the time. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’ve lost control. My thoughts wonder. My mind races back and forth between here and now, there and then. I’m afraid that I can’t keep up the image that everyone has of me, the only image I’ve ver had of myself. I’m terrified of failure.

I’m plagued by the decisions I’ve made in mylife that show that I messed up, that I failed. I had an abortion when I was 20. It was a long time ago but some days It feels like this afternoon. I’ve yet to heal and accept my decision. Sometimes I feel like I should die because I didn’t let my baby live. I was too young. I wasn’t ready. Nobody knows how bad this hurts me. Some of my family accepted and supported my decision, my father is convinced that I’ll never have children. That I’m too broken for any man to marry. That I’m too head strong, too proud, too smart for my own good, too much for anyone, not enough normal for a regular man. He thinks of all his kids I’m the most likely to kill myself because I’m mentally and emotionally imbalanced, because I’m spiteful, and because I want attention.  If I didn’t think God we’re reading this message I’d say with complete assurance that I hate my father  but I don’t. I wish he was a better person and that he hasn’t make me feel so bad about myself  for my entire life

3 years ago I and my boyfriend of 7 years broke up. My heart is still broken. I want to love and be loved. I miss companionship. I feel unloved and in love able. We met when we were twenty. Since we broke up I haven’t even met anyone decent let alone life material. I want to have a family some day. We broke up because he began practicing a completely different worldview than my lifelong accepted faith. When I wouldn’t convert he chose his life without me. I’ve never felt more abandoned. What’s worse is that that my faith has never been in a worse position. I struggle to believe that the same God that I thought brought us together will help heal my broken heart. My heart, my mind is all out of sorts.

I didn’t finish college. I live okay but my job doesn’t pay enough and all my bills are due. I just feel like everything has gone to shit. That’s God has abandoned me and taken any hope of a shoulder to lean on. My family and friends just aren’t equipped to process being there for me, they never seem to get it right. My mom keeps telling me to pray and I do but I get so upset because I don’t feel better I feel worse, I feel convicted, I feel guilty, and I feel confused. I feel hopelessl.

I hate my life. I wish I could feel the love that the Bible says God has for me. I wish I didn’t feel immediate spiritual conviction after saying that because despite what I believe I feel left behind and abandoned. I feel like I know I’m not the best person on the planet and I’ve done some bad things but I try to do good too and God is supposed to take that into account.

Lord God you promised you wouldn’t leave me or forsake me. But you’ve left me in this God-forsaken, fallen world and it’s all I can do to force myself to exist here.

Anyway. I could never say any of this to anyone I know. I could never tell my loved ones or friends that despite how much I love them and how much I’d hate to hurt them by making them miss me, this is too much weight for me to hold on my own. I’m suffering. I can’t find anything positive to hold onto anymore. I’m hurting. I cry. I sit in the dark, alone and I cry.
Plagued by guilt and grief. I’ve tried to quiet the pain by taking pills but I’ve never wanted to die, only just sleep hard enough not to feel, and not to have to wake up. Although I wouldn’t feel the relief that comes with the end of my pain, some days all I think about is how much I want to die and when I think about dying I never think of reasons to live except what if Tomorrow would’ve been a better day?

Something is wrong with me and if I don’t figure it out soon I don’t think I’ll make it.

How do I get out of this? I’m terrified of what happens to my consciousness the day I don’t wake up, but I think I’m more exhausted by the thought of repeating this day and having to re live these feelings over and over again… and that scares me.

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