I don’t know why but I have disallowed myself to be human. I am not welcome to be human. It’s too late for that. The damage was done and now I’m a lost cause. I’m not suicidal but I suppose thats a shame too. Feelings just kinda pass through me without any actual effect. If I feel like crying….i no longer can. If i feel like laughing…. I no longer can. I am not allowed to be human. It doesn’t feel like I’m allowed to. Maybe at some point I was but then something went wrong many years back. The damage can’t be undone. And so now I’m on guard even when i think I’m not.
All I feel these days is the desire to complete my objective. Years feel like months, months feel like weeks, weeks feel like days, days feel like minutes….its all passing by so fast because my objective requires lots of upgrading of my other skills before i can complete it. It’s undeniable now, all i do is analyze data from my surroundings in this world in order to obtain certain knowledge that will allow me to complete my task. Don’t worry it doesn’t harm anyone, it benefits everyone but me and I think that’s okay. I’m a fool for thinking I will feel fulfilled after this task is complete, it won’t solve world hunger, it won’t stop terrorism, it won’t stop greed, etc. It’s not like I’ll enter a psychological state of never-ending happiness once my objective is complete. It’ll bring good things for others but only temporarily because eventually all good things come to an end. People think I’m weird and i don’t blame em. I refuse to be human even when I’m invited to be so by others when they invite me over for bowling, a UFC fight, a barbecue, a birthday, a graduation ceremony, etc. No I won’t do those things because Chris is not allowed to relax even if I want to. Good times are too much for me. It feels strange and contradictory to who i am today.
Get em when they’re young is their saying. Well now they better be happy with the result because it ain’t ever changing. It’s permanent….unfortunately
The original Chris died during his child years. It’s been a while.
2 comments
Hmm… I wouldn’t say I feel like I’m not allowed to feel things, but even though there’s sometimes I feel genuinely happy, it’s usually from a hobby, it’s never like… on the outside really.
I remember as a child when I was genuinely happy though people would think it’s weird I’m not constantly smiling, even when I’m perfectly fine, wtf. o.o
God, it’s all their freaking fault anyway…
Stupid… “normal” people abd their crap society…
I think as long has you don’t literally murder someone or cause egregious violence against someone your inner child (humanity) never dies. maybe gets lost for years and even decades. but there;s ways back out.
i get the feeling though. Felt like that for a loooong time