The paranoia I feel, it feels like I’m being watched everywhere I am by someone I can’t see. It keeps me awake at night. It makes me feel unsafe. This week I got 6 hours of sleep total. It isn’t a new thing for me though. It just makes my anxiety worse.
The anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder along which a panic disorder. I can be out in public and out of nowhere I’m having an anxiety attack. I have a sense of unreality which is like feeling as though the world has turned upside down, my eyes won’t focus on one thing they try to focus on everything, My legs begin to feel week, I feel like I’m going to die, I don’t recognize anyone’s face but I still know their voices, I have to sit and hope that it passes quickly. There are days where it’s like that all day long and I just can’t deal with it anymore.
Abandonment, for as long as I can remember people have been walking out of my life just as fast as they have walked in. My biological father left when I was just three and my mother remarried right away, to a child molester. But she didn’t know that at the time.
sexual abuse, my step father sexually abused me from the ages of 4-17. I tried to tell when I was 12 and no one believed me. When I was 14 I was raped, when I was 18 I was raped again but not by my step father. He never dared to take it that far.
Physical abuse, I was physically abused by my stepfather from 3-17 y/o and dealt with abuse from boyfriends between then as well.
Drug abuse, I witnessed my mother battle with opioid abuse for 10 years. Thankfully she stopped and I’ve never loved her more than I do now.
Depression, major depressive disorder (MDD) I’ve had since I was 12,it takes hold of my life for years at a time
self harm, legs, arms, hips, ankles, upper arms. Plus bruising all over. And starvation.
You see, I’m 18 now. My whole life has led me to be part of a statistic. Suicidal girl leads a miserable life and kills herself. If you can’t tell by the title that is how this is going to end…maybe. I’m going to go for a walk at the buissiest part of town. If no one smiles at me or tries to talk to me or anything, I will end my life tonight. Because that will show me that my life is meaningless to others.
-a suicidal girl