I have fixed my 30th B-Day as ‘The Day’. To be honest I’m scared, I don’t really know why. I mean I’m already a disappointment for those who have to care for me- if not out of love then out of responsibility and everyone else.
I’m new to this forum, so before I forget, I want to thank any/everyone that is reading my post.
I have never felt loved by anyone, not even by my parents or an other of my relatives. I wish i could say that I had a struggling life start or some major problem, but I don’t. That why I feel I’m not worth for others attention on me, that’s why I have only told, 2 people about my depression. I even feel like a huge selfish guy to only think about myself all the time. I’m sad and depressed all the time, I fake my smiles and laughs almost all the time, thinking why do i even bother faking it. To be honest, there is ONE huge problem in my life, and the truth is that problem is myself as a living person, as a human, as a being.
The Plan is to evaluate myself just before my 30th birthday, as to analyse whether I’m happy, successful and worthy of life at that moment of time or not, which will determine my future life as living or dead. But it feels like 30th of my life is far too long that I have given myself, to be alive and analyzed.
I confess that I have never attempted suicide yet, does this makes me a fake, an attention seeker, a fraud? Are these feelings of mine even real? Does this makes me less of a man?
P.S.- If You are still here then, know that I’m grateful to you, and I have 1 more request to you that is- Can I at least wish for 1 comment in my post? Thank You.
8 comments
Nobody is born with a history of suicide attempts. People with such a history have had a “first time”, they were in the same kind of situation too at first.
So having never tried to commit suicide doesn’t make you an attention seeker (and certainly not less of a man…). You probably don’t need a suicide attempt to “validate” your feelings, so to speak.
I can slightly relate to this, I got here yesterday because I have been feeling like shit, I bought a rope and looked up how to tie a hangman’s noose, but it feels weird. I feel like a fraud.
I survived my first 4 Attempts of Suicide. During ones I was unable to think right and told it was the first. Unknowingly, I had the recorder in my jacket so everything I said is on tape.
Attention? That’s something separated from what it means to Suicide, to Die, to End owns Life. It does got nothing to mean. Your Life is not a Switch to Reality, not to any, also even not for the Attention you’ll receive. As long as you ain’t killing other you can seek whatever you want.
Keep on Mind that wanting a Suicide is Insisting only to be ablied to receive a Suicide possibility.
Good Luck in any option.
My answers to your questions would be ,
No, it doesn’t make you an attention seeker, this is just the internet.
Yes, your feelings are real, you thought therefore they are.
I don’t think it makes you less of a man. In my humble opinion what makes a man is his integrity and doing what he says he will do and doing things properly.
I’ll just add something else. You said
If you’ve never felt loved by anyone, not even your parents or relatives, that actually is some problem in my opinion.
I have been struggling for over 20 years with depression and six months ago my 15 year old son committed suicide and left more pain for all of us. Please suicide is NOT the answer. You do matter to someone. Getting help is HARD I KNOW but you have to figure out your own reasons to LIVE. Mine is spreading awareness and letting people know they are worth living! You CAN TOO!
Sorry about your son… But what if someone’s problems aren’t fixable? (Like mine) What if life has pushed someone past the breaking point? (Like it has for me). When the only choices are being lonely, bitter and miserable the vast majority of the time or suicide.. I know which one I’m choosing. I am most definitely NOT worth living.
I am saddened to hear about your feelings regarding your son’s decision. I have three methods already purchased, stored in the house, and ready for my day sometime this year. I have thought and read much about how family and friends left behind are angry, sad, and/or burdened. But this also makes me somewhat upset. Upset that people are, as in life, making the deceased decision(s) all about them. Why can’t a 15-year old, an adult, an old person ….. anyone …. choose their path. But no …. if you “love” them you would do x or y and not a or b ….. it’s expectations. I don’t understand why people can’t respect the decisions of others without making it about them???? Is love then not free ….. or are strings attached no matter what the conditions? Help me out on this if you have thoughts. Thanks!
I wouldn’t say you are anything that you have underlined in bold the closest I have ever gotten to suicide attempts is put a knife to my throat but I always naturally rebound back on my own sometimes I wished I had a shotgun just to end it all to be close to the end, but I refuse to kill myself despite the times that everyone or every other person that might’ve of felt this way for whatever reason or for none it comes and goes due to natural bipolar or whatever else, now I have been more or less better without meds except for natural CBD Oil which helps me with anxiety, depression, and pain not certain if it works for everyone but still I may think about such thoughts depends on what happens in my life. I sometimes wonder about the past, present, and future and how if it is all worth living for or is it worth just ending it all but I keep myself alive I don’t know exactly why I just hope that maybe I’ll get a girlfriend and maybe have kids in my future if I even live long enough and be worth it to someone despite at the moment I don’t mind bent single.
I think our thoughts sometimes can be our own worst enemies with whatever negative experiences we have internal or external rational and or irrational again whatever reason or for no reason for me personally I simply try not let my thoughts get the better of me for must live to find purpose despite not knowing where to start or look for I just hope the person who originally typed this thread and anyone else here finds there own way through life and seeks what purpose they may create for themselves despite whatever circumstances happen to them by chance or by poor choices that may lead to our mistakes for we seem to make our own mistakes based off our own choices not always mind you.