i know this is what i deserve honestly. i know what i did was a mistake, my biggest regret in life. and now im paying for it.

im getting nervous, feel like throwing up because of the nerves, or i wonder if its because i havent eaten today? seeing how there are 20 people ahead of me in this online suicide prevention hotline, it makes me wonder. does this work? its my first time seeking help. ive never spoken to a professional, never spoken to the suicide hotline, what if they think im stupid? what if im wasting their time with my nonsense? when did i turn into this person?

i cheated. several times, different men. my partner doesnt know. how do i justify that? i dont, i cant. and now im paying for it and i know i shouldnt be mad for the building depression and suicidal ideations. do i have the right to feel like this? i think yes i deserve it, but another part of me, the evil side, says yes. who cares if i cheated. but i care. yet im the one who did it.

im being blackmailed. one man, did not like i was with another than him and threatened to indulge my partner in all my escapades. i was to delete everything relating to the other men, to tell them no more, to block them all. to block every man who has shown me his penis, whether it was before or after my partner. one of those people being the man who was there with every suicide attempt. who helped me cope, and the man did not care. i was still to block every male but him and my partner. if i did not submit, he would tell, if i did not follow his rules, then he would tell, if i became angry then he would tell.

i know. im a despicable human being, i want to rid myself from everyone, make their lives easier. but i would do anything to keep my partner. although i dont deserve him. he makes me happy, dumb happy. why did i do this to him? i dont know the answer. am i dumb? very.

do i deserve to be helped? no. but im spiraling down, and its hurting my partner seeing me relapse into depression and suicidal thoughts, its hard to hide from him regarding my mental health. the blackmailing man says hes blackmailing me out of jealousy, that my partner and i look happy in our photo, i am happy with my partner.

what do i do.