What can I say? soon to go back to South Africa because I cannot get a job. The woman I worked for 3 weeks ago refuse to pay me for the work( yes, i worked twice for individuals here in Australia: the former did his PHd from my blood and sweat without paying me a scent, the latter, did not pay me a cent for the hard work I performed either, was tyrannical and violent).
I am pondering my existence out of fright, pain, and horror. To sum up: 29, graduated, incel, pain, depression, anxiety… I probably can find a long fucking acronym to holistically summarise all of these problems neatly. Maybe keep a spreadsheet too when I have the time.
I am afraid in one way of going back, because I know how dangerous South Africa is. My parents will move back and so will I. I feel extremely tired and out of my body these days. I don’t know how I am going to function in the job industry with so much lethargy and fatigue. I truly dread the future.
On the other hand, I am extremely self-deprecating and blame my ill health for my lack of women. Every-time I see an attractive women, I immediately become depressed and miserable, so bad that my depression can last for a whole week. So in tandem, I avoid any social encounter like the plagues. I am also frightened of going back to S.A. and seeing all those attractive girls going for my friends, and I have to remain single because of the defects I was born with. It really tears me apart, bringing in all of the other problems I have.
Both my parents and my family value my life. They are worried about me. So all in all, I am stuck to this life for the rest of my existence. And I really don’t want to fucking be here.
I know most of the post comes across as rhethoric, but to throw one question out there: what if I cannot make it in the job industry? Could anyone give me some sort of advice to keep me a bit sane and on track?
How would I be able to survive and life in SA when I feel too tired to do a job and feel like I ran a marathon everytime I finish a day? I am really frightened. I hate existence.
Excuse the rant.
4 comments
Just go down to Soweto, get into fight with some blacks and then they will do the rest of the work for you
Is that what you want to do?
To answer your question on another post @tiredofchronicpain , I have had root canal. I think twice. I can understand why you want everything to do with your body to be intact and perfect, but it just doesn’t always work out. I had my left breast removed when I was 36. I don’t really think about it. It’s just how my body is now. The plates and screws in my spine solved one problem, but caused another. I fell into a deep depression after the surgery. I’m still working to lift myself out of it. I know that I will always be in pain to some degree for the rest of my life. I just have to be tough.
Thanks clipped. You are a titan. You are right, it is just in my mind and I should stop blaming myself for things beyond my control. People like you, should receive a medal however. Your perseverance and ability to be positive in spite of pain. I follow your example.
I truly wish I knew you in person. Maybe that day will come 🙂