I am tired and sick

  September 19th, 2018 by tiredofchronicpain

What can I say? soon to go back to South Africa because I cannot get a job. The woman I worked for 3 weeks ago refuse to pay me for the work( yes, i worked twice for individuals here in Australia: the former did his PHd from my blood and sweat without paying me a scent, the latter, did not pay me a cent for the hard work I performed either, was tyrannical and violent).

I am pondering my existence out of fright, pain, and horror. To sum up: 29, graduated, incel, pain, depression, anxiety… I probably can find a long fucking acronym to holistically summarise all of these problems neatly. Maybe keep a spreadsheet too when I have the time.

I am afraid in one way of going back, because I know how dangerous South Africa is. My parents will move back and so will I. I feel extremely tired and out of my body these days. I don’t know how I am going to function in the job industry with so much lethargy and fatigue.  I truly dread the future.

On the other hand, I am extremely self-deprecating and blame my ill health for my lack of women. Every-time I see an attractive women, I immediately become depressed and miserable, so bad that my depression can last for a whole week. So in tandem, I avoid any social encounter like the plagues. I am also frightened of going back to S.A. and seeing all those attractive girls going for my friends, and I have to remain single because of the defects I was born with. It really tears me apart, bringing in all of the other problems I have.

Both my parents and my family value my life. They are worried about me. So all in all, I am stuck to this life for the rest of my existence. And I really don’t want to fucking be here.

I know most of the post comes across as rhethoric, but to throw one question out there: what if I cannot make it in the job industry? Could anyone give me some sort of advice to keep me a bit sane and on track?

How would I be able to survive and life in SA when I feel too tired to do a job and feel like I ran a marathon everytime I finish a day? I am really frightened. I hate existence.

Excuse the rant.





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