I’m so unsure of what to do anymore

  September 2nd, 2018 by Snowmxn

So I’d like to preface this with explaining a bit about me. I’m 17, and I’ve been extremely depressed for 3-5 years. It really started in 8th grade, and I’m about to be a senior in high school, so I guess like 4 and a half years. I love videogames, and overall I think I have a pretty good life. I’ve been in psychiatric facilities 6 times, having been hospitalized 6 times I’m pretty familiar with mental illness and I’ve helped countless people along the way. I haven’t been hospitalized in around 8 months now, and I was hoping I wouldn’t be ever again. However, I’ve got a feeling I most likely will be. When I was first hospitalized, it was primarily for suicidal thoughts and hearing/seeing things. I have depression with psychotic symptoms, however I wouldn’t doubt it is more than that. I’ve also been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, which is rare in people my age from what I have heard. After I was hospitalized at the end of 9th grade (my first time) I was hospitalized twice in the summer following that. Twice the next year, and once in January of 2018. All of my hospitalizations have been due to me having the intent to commit suicide. Now that I’ve said all this, you know a bit about me so I can tell my recent story effectively.

I took my SAT a few weeks ago, and since that day and a few before, it seems like I’m probably doomed. I did awful on my SAT, I almost know that. It was hard, and I wasn’t trying my hardest. I didn’t know how to answer any questions. It really made me feel pathetic. I need to do good this year in school, or else I won’t be able to get into even a mediocre college. Not to mention, even if I retake my SAT it’ll still be awful. I’m just not good enough. For the last 2 years I’ve been pursuing a career as professional gamer, say what you want about it, I don’t really care. I tried very hard to succeed, but unfortunately I lost the drive at some point. I gave up, and that might’ve been my mistake. I just wanted to make my parents happy, but I’m not gonna be able to do that either. I might not have ever become a pro, I probably wouldn’t have actually, but it was my dream. Now I have none. I don’t want anything in life except to be a pro. I lost my chance at that. I could try harder than I ever have until I graduate, but it isn’t enough time. If I had never given up, then maybe it’d be long enough. My parents, for obvious reasons haven’t supported my in trying to become a professional gamer, it’s not a stable income and is incredibly hard to do even with loads of free time to practice. I don’t blame them for that. My parents just want the best for me, but unfortunately I don’t think they’ll ever be satisfied with me. My mother has always been mean, but it’s nothing too awful. She expects me to do well this year in school and on the SAT, and I should. But I won’t. I can try my hardest from now on to be a good student and son, but unfortunately,  that’ll make me feel worse than I am right now. Even if I could improve my GPA and do well on the SAT, which I won’t be able to do because I’m just not good enough, I won’t be happy. My mother might be, but I won’t. I don’t see a future where I am happy and living. They really don’t want to mix for me. What I’m saying is, if I go pro, then I’m happy and alive. If I don’t and I do well in school, I’ll be completely miserable with whatever awful job I get. I’ll end myself. If I don’t satisfy my mother, I’ll get kicked out and be homeless. I’ll have to kill myself. My point is that I am completely screwed. In addition to all of this, I feel awful for writing it. It’s really pathetic that I feel this way. I’m going to kill myself because I can’t play videogames for a living? What a joke. People experience much harder things, and they don’t even come close to hurting themselves. I’m honestly just weak.

 

The way I see it, once my SAT scores come back, my parents are going to take away all of my electronics and that’ll be it. I’ll give up for the final time, and kill myself. I won’t tell anyone, I’ll just do it. To clarify, I don’t want to die right now, I just don’t feel like I will have a choice for much longer. I missed a lot in this post, a lot that really matters to my story, but I’m too lazy to keep typing. Peace guys.

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