What a day

I have this friend who we go for coffee every now and then and we’re cool he tells me about his job and he works in general mental health so naturally he’s able to spot a lot about me. I was okay with that, he kinda got it without being too much for me.

Today we meet up and he’s being himself and getting me to talk even when I don’t want to and is analysising what I say but in a way that’s comforting. I don’t know it’s hard to explain we have an easy friendship he’s been through a lot too and gets why I think certain ways. We have such things like intrusive thoughts in common for example when I’m out even if i don’t feel sad I can’t help but have intrusive thoughts like if I see a car going fast to just jump infront, a tall building just jump off, a belt just tighten it around my neck, tablets no matter what they are just take them; his aren’t quite like mine but it’s how I see the world everyday. But today he says sorry for pushing me after he asked if my mental health could handle having an affair with him as he said his girlfriend said he could. But keep it to myself. After I’d spent the last hour or so telling him how I’m incapable of managing my own life let alone having someone else rely on me or when I have opened up to people they’ve left me or used me, he even asked if many people try using me for sex and yeah they have, as a girl who’s been raped i cried some more because I started thinking about it. I proceed to discuss why it wouldn’t be a good idea, not because I wouldn’t want to but because I’m basically a black hole that sucks the good out of anything (plus who’s girlfriend actually says they can?!) I gave him a hug and he squeezed a little, for a little reassurance I’ll be okay. I almost enjoyed it until he turns around and says he never realised he would be taking on this much responsibility this morning. I stood up I couldn’t even look at him, I said ‘I am not your responsibility!’ Btw this is after I’d already said my existence is a burden.

I sat away from him not being able to hold back the tears and again I say I’m not his responsibility so I said I wanted to go home. I started walking away. He came up to me and said he was sorry for making me feel bad. I said don’t worry I feel like this most of the time. After a few minutes silence he asked if I’d answer one question, I said probably not. He asked if I didn’t want to be his responsibility because I was planning to do anything? I just repeated probably not.

I dont have anything particularly planned it’s just a feeling. And tbh being called a responsibility fucked with my head even more. I’m sad that probably now our friendship won’t be the same I said it wouldn’t be. Least it got fucked up now rather than later