Can’t let go. Can’t get to where I need to be. I’m such a waste of life. Just lying here, torn between competing impulses. There’s no way that life could ever be enough to make it worthwhile. And yet, I can’t bring myself to give up. To let go of the impossible dream. It is surely within my capability to end this. I have resources, I have freedom, I have time, I have the beginnings of a plan. I’m sure I could get my hands on the necessary equipment if I set my mind to it. So why aren’t I doing so? Because I can’t imagine myself actually going through with it. My urge to die isn’t strong enough to overcome my will to live.
So no exit then, at least in the short term. So why aren’t I actively pursuing a meaningful life? Because I can’t imagine that either. I’m so unbelievably f*cked in the head. I can’t be real with anyone – I always have to hide what a worthless piece of shit I am. And nothing I do from this point can change that.
I’m so hopelessly lost. I don’t know how to balance all this conflicting shit. All these drives pulling me in different directions. I can’t sleep, because I have no peace of mind. Something must be done. The situations must be resolved. But there is no resolution for a wasted and twisted life. So I lie still, curled in a ball, and I rot…
3 comments
This resonates with me but I always rebound back on my own I turned to alcohol I won’t be drinking two weeks straight but I already had on Monday and Sunday my limit of drinking but sometimes I wonder if I was only born into this world based off of shitty circumstances and by the will of someone who didn’t want to abort me for whatever reason thinking that maybe me being born would be better instead of being aborted.
I still want to live despite also wanting to die at times there really isn’t much in this world I can look towards other than trying to educate myself or entertain or enlighten on subjects I find interesting whether it be intellectual or maybe scientific or art, music, and entertainment.
Since the people don’t allow us to simply just die on our owns because I never tried to attempt nor think I could be courageous enough to do it I continue to live.
I understand completely. You put into words something that I have been trying to figure out.
I want to give up but I don’t want to give in.
The temptation to exist.