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the tears falling inwards

by wasd

some say it helps to write stuff.

it does actually helps but not nearly enough.  my life are so small and insignificant. i’m 37 and accomplished nearly nothing, i don’t care for society things like a diploma or success but about.. i don’t really know. maybe not contemplating suicide everyday, not feeling trapped in  a nightmare. small stuff i guess.. fuck me. fuck my drug use and hatred. i am the explosive kind that keeps all the hurt, the humiliation and hatred inside until something ignites and i explode or maybe implode. i am a big and gentle guy mostly but when years of pain doesn’t have anymore room inside, no outlet – all hell break loose. never violent (physically, that is) i shoot poison and eliante everyone around me, radioactive in a sense.

i’m addicted to opiates and crack. i steal and lie from my rich, capitalist employer without the smallest remorse. i have nothing in common with society so i roam in the darkness with the dealers and the pros. at first glance it would seem i don’t belong there – mild manners and a nerdish appearance among the scarred faces, gang tattooed hardies but give it a moment and you’ll see i fit right in – the old boys respect me to the astoundment of the unfamiliar.

why do i write those words? what do i want to accomplish?  i don’t know.. i don’t want to die but i don’t have the skills and the know-how to live properly. i’ll try to exist a little longer, i’ll try to soldier on and face the hardships of this sad life with the tears falling inwards and this cancerous depression eating away at my ever shriveling hope.

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Yikrens 10/19/2018 - 6:56 pm

first of all, humilation is also a point of view. some are just and yourself know to empower the situation by regularity.

try the page eve & rave. that place is better suited for you. but please don’t decent then for random pills, which are high technology and even cigarettes are on the gap close to.

i see also not the experimental value of the material used and trying to keep it recycled when respective bins are still waiting to be made.

a capitalist employer? better be a cyborg or so… which is in this view hard to accomplish to clear nationally and clean. even then, some skills are made with the technics used. a good career has to have a structure which, if established on stock is a painful debate about homeopathic doses.

I use my paraphernalia and explored. But my danger may had been an apple (supervisior expressed low probability)

wasd 10/20/2018 - 9:09 am

hi Yikrens, thanks for replying.

i’m sorry but didn’t understood what you wrote exactly –
could you elaborate please?

thanks and have a nice weekend 🙂

muspelhem 10/20/2018 - 5:18 pm

I can relate a little bit. I’m addicted to porn.

I guess I kinda believe that no one can hurt us like we can hurt ourselves. What I regret the most, what seems to be eating me up, are the mistakes I made that I KNEW were mistakes, even as I was making them. Sure, I have been treated bad, victimized, etc. But I wish I hadn’t caved. When you sell your soul, that is when it really goes wrong, I think.

So yeah, my advice (and this seems to be backed by plenty of psychology research) is to be kinder to yourself. Stop hurting yourself. No one deserves that. Stop blaming yourself for your addiction. Start caring for yourself. Even if it feels cheesy or dumb.

theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/01/willpower-isnt-the-best-way-to-get-things-done/550766/

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