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on the edge

by miszion

I’m really not quite sure how much longer I can hold on. The angry and suicidal thoughts have completely taken over these last few months. This morning was the worst it’s been. I cried for thirty minutes about how ugly I am, trashing my room by throwing clothes everywhere because I feel disgusting in everything I own. I wanted to take my mirror and smash it until the entire thing was just sharp, shiny dust covering the floor, my bed, and myself. Even now, several hours later at work, I’m avoiding every mirror (which is hard to do, since I’m a tailor and there’s more mirrors in my store than anything else) so I don’t have to hide in the bathroom and cry- like I did every day on my vacation last week. I was never insecure about my body or my face like this until recently. I’ve been considering investing in a shit ton of make up and learning how to apply it. I haven’t worn make up in four years. I haven’t finished a meal in weeks, while my skinny ass friend eats non stop and doesn’t gain a single fucking ounce. I force myself to exercise until I can’t physically stand anymore. It’s hard to think I could ever love myself.

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clipped-wings 10/15/2018 - 2:54 pm

Did you have your vacation yet?

miszion 10/15/2018 - 4:17 pm

Yes, I was gone last Monday-Friday.

PatheticMale 10/15/2018 - 4:24 pm

I also struggle with self-hate and no self valuation but mostly I dont care about how I look that much, looks were never that important to me. I mostly just hate my personality… I cant behave around people – I am either completely silent and weird or I talk too much and Im annoying… Talking to crowds or girls in person makes me very self conscious, some times I shake and panic. Also I´m nihilistic and lazy. I don´t have any goals, I cant give value to activities, everything seems meaningless.

miszion 10/15/2018 - 6:10 pm

I never gave much thought to my looks until recently. My weight I’ve always struggled with but did reach a point where I stopped worrying about it. The last few months I can’t even handle glimpses in the mirror, though. My personality is alright, I guess. I’m a pretty laid back person but at the same time I’m such an emotional mess that I think I’m too exhausting for people to keep around.

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