Depression, loneliness, anxiety, feeling that Im not good enough for anyone and anything, my inability to take any responsibility, disappointing my mother who is so supportive.
It’s the lack of sensations. The world is just this monotonous grey haze. Even things I used to like give me less every passing day. I know it wouldn’t need to be like this because during sleep I have seen dreams where everything got a new meaning. It wasn’t anything particular or concrete, but it was there.
Isolation, lack of control, running into an obstacle that I can’t move, anxiety, pain(physical and emotional). There’s also a terrible line of thinking that I think death will solve anything, and there’s whole thought patterns that I avoid thinking these days because if I did think them I would be blissfully suicidal and end it. I catch those thoughts like rats in a trap and throw them away. There are always more rats though(as in dark thoughts). The job of staying alive is one that doesn’t just get done once, right? It’s an endless chore and routine.
My main problem I suppose it that I was planning to commit suicide at 18 and now I am 24. But most recently, a series of s*xual offenses and a whole h*ll of a lot of evil bad men.. I really need help figuring out how to end my life..
A berevment a few ago forced me to think about suicide. It basically left me alone in the world. That came on top of 20 years of social phobia and OCD, although social phobia doesn’t really do it justice. I’ve also turned myself into an alcoholic the past few years simply because I thought I was going to get a quick exit and it wouldn’t matter in the long run. I now live a totally crazy existence that a normal person couldn’t imagine in their wildest dreams. The only reason I haven’t broken is that Is that It wont do me any good. My fear isnt so much death it’s taking a stroke or a heart attack that would leave me inmoblised, and the way Ive lived the past few years would put in real danger of both of them If I dont manage to kill myself first. I enjoy sleep simply because it gets me out of this damn place for 8 hours, though Its tempered by the fact that I will wake up again. It’s a joke existence, but it’s too late to wonder how it all went wrong. The fact is that It has all gone wrong, and death is really my only way out. Im absoultely terrified that Im still going to be here a year from today. Ive somehow managed to live for two years like this, and Im begging my brain to somehow allow me to put an end to this.
Anything that reminds of the abuses I saw as a kid and every day something does. I swear I will want to die but my therapist has shown me how to keep things in perspective. Basically, sucked to be me then but not now. Still hurts though, though less than it once did.
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Depression, loneliness, anxiety, feeling that Im not good enough for anyone and anything, my inability to take any responsibility, disappointing my mother who is so supportive.
It’s the lack of sensations. The world is just this monotonous grey haze. Even things I used to like give me less every passing day. I know it wouldn’t need to be like this because during sleep I have seen dreams where everything got a new meaning. It wasn’t anything particular or concrete, but it was there.
Isolation, lack of control, running into an obstacle that I can’t move, anxiety, pain(physical and emotional). There’s also a terrible line of thinking that I think death will solve anything, and there’s whole thought patterns that I avoid thinking these days because if I did think them I would be blissfully suicidal and end it. I catch those thoughts like rats in a trap and throw them away. There are always more rats though(as in dark thoughts). The job of staying alive is one that doesn’t just get done once, right? It’s an endless chore and routine.
My main problem I suppose it that I was planning to commit suicide at 18 and now I am 24. But most recently, a series of s*xual offenses and a whole h*ll of a lot of evil bad men.. I really need help figuring out how to end my life..
A berevment a few ago forced me to think about suicide. It basically left me alone in the world. That came on top of 20 years of social phobia and OCD, although social phobia doesn’t really do it justice. I’ve also turned myself into an alcoholic the past few years simply because I thought I was going to get a quick exit and it wouldn’t matter in the long run. I now live a totally crazy existence that a normal person couldn’t imagine in their wildest dreams. The only reason I haven’t broken is that Is that It wont do me any good. My fear isnt so much death it’s taking a stroke or a heart attack that would leave me inmoblised, and the way Ive lived the past few years would put in real danger of both of them If I dont manage to kill myself first. I enjoy sleep simply because it gets me out of this damn place for 8 hours, though Its tempered by the fact that I will wake up again. It’s a joke existence, but it’s too late to wonder how it all went wrong. The fact is that It has all gone wrong, and death is really my only way out. Im absoultely terrified that Im still going to be here a year from today. Ive somehow managed to live for two years like this, and Im begging my brain to somehow allow me to put an end to this.
When my favorite songs get taken off of YouTube.
I know! Some of those songs are just the best. It took me I guess a year to track down a song after it got yanked off youtube.
Especially if it’s a rare track/album. Gotta download it while you can.
Anything that reminds of the abuses I saw as a kid and every day something does. I swear I will want to die but my therapist has shown me how to keep things in perspective. Basically, sucked to be me then but not now. Still hurts though, though less than it once did.