3 Months Ago i posted my first post here ”I Want to be Happy”.
Back in those days i told myself ”If things don’t get better by the end of this year (2018) i would end up my life”
Weeks after i wrote that post i was actually optimist, the things in my life got better, i trutly thought i would make another year. But it was just that, a delusional through.
But life beated me down.
The things that happened goes far from my control, i can’t help not even to myself, less to my family. and if it is not enough…
She found another dude, she told me she maybe like him, shattered, i ended up going out to my house from school (even though I had more classes) because i was close to have a nervous crisis. And it happened, i locked up myself on my room and it was crazy, i wanted to faint but i didn’t. IT WAS MY FIRST NERVOUS CRISIS IN 4 YEARS. I ended up trembling and crying in silence because i didn’t want my parents to be concerned about me.
I don’t know if i should writte the things just happened, by doing that i would not feel better, so i’m not going to do that, because i officially GIVE UP.
I just to ask to God; Why? It was neccesary? Why would you put beat me up like that? DO YOU HATE ME? I PRAYED TO YOU, I ASKED YOU FOR HELP, BUT I ENDED UP BEING THE FORSAKED, I CRIED TO YOU LIKE A MANIAC, but you never came to me, never
Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
I feel terrible, i never felt so down before, i can’t cry, just laying in bed for hours, i don’t want to eat, i don’t want to go to school, i can’t even talk, i can’t even sleep, and for the very first time music doesn’t help anymore in my depression.
I just want to be happy again I SWEAR I TRY TO BE, but i just can’t. Now nothings it’s going to keep me sane, back then, music/friends/movies/games helped a a lot, now i don’t enjoy nothing but sleep (and it’s hard to)
Don’t told me i didn’t tried because i did, I TRY TO LAUGHT, TO ENJOY, TO THINK IN GOOD THINGS BUT I CAN’T!
I think it’s the beggining of the end. Since the only things i enjoy it’s sleep, better get eternal sleep.