For a few months, I was in a good place. Despite my many missteps, somehow I ended up being married to someone who loved me for what I was. At least that’s what I assumed. I guess, after a steady relationship of 10 years, it was safe to assume that.
Then one night, drunk as hell and between tears, he tells me that he loves another. But he loves me too. He feels torn between both of us. His words, “I can’t be apart from you, but I can’t forget her.” I ask him who would he be happier with, he can’t decide. I ask him if we still have a future, he breaks down even further. He can’t stop loving her, he can’t move on. He wants to disappear, he says. And I remember the pain I used to feel years ago. How much I hated my existence.
It’s not the infidelity that bothers me. I’m not the best person either. I’ve done stuff too. Never quite fell in love, but yeah, I’ve done stuff. Maybe it is karma. What goes around comes around.
What bothers me, is how much this is affecting him. He is in pain. No matter how many times I tell him, it’s fine, he still feels the guilt. Even when I say I don’t care who else you slept with, he feels he has ruined my life. I should be angry, but I’m not. How can I be? After what I’ve done, his actions seem like nothing.
I’m torn too. On the surface, I’m the victim. But there are many layers to it. I don’t want to dissect this any further, all I want is peace.
7 comments
Monogamy is the problem. Or if you want to cut to the underlying reason for monogamy: insecurity.
Think of it. You said you’ve had your own stuff, so I’m guessing you understand the desire to stray/explore. He also has other longings. Neither of these “problems” are directly affecting how you feel toward each other. It sounds like you are deeply connected regardless. In an ideal world, it would be socially, morally and mutually acceptable to have external relationships. Isn’t that’s how it is with good friendships? True friends don’t feel jealous but instead happy when you find other pursuits that keep you going. So the problem is this entirely constructed concept of monogamy, which states if you fall in love you will NEVER love anyone else. What horsesht. Unfortunately the alternative, an open relationship, is too difficult to pull off if either of you have any insecurities at all, which we all have thanks to these and other conflicts we’re raised on. In short, having been in a similar situation (I was the “other lover”) that went horribly wrong for everyone, I can only commiserate with the hopeless feeling.
Thank you, you’ve articulated it perfectly. Wish more people understood that monogamy is a unrealistic concept.
I’m not really sure if humans are designed to be monogamous…
Who is this ‘her’? Another girl? An ex gf?
Another girl, who was a gf while we were engaged. They kinda broke up a couple months after the wedding.
I used to be in a good place, I can never be again though. Tortured by “color of law” and was being followed for years and years
Sorry to hear that. Hope you find a safe place.